Connected in a Dream

I was diagnosed as having bladder cancer after having blood in my urine for several years.  At first I didn't believe it was cancer, but after my first biopsy, I accepted it.  I had chemotherapy for what seemed like a year.  I wasn't difficult.  I didn't get sick, because they put it in my bladder.  I just wasn't supposed to urinate for two hours after the treatment.  One day when I went in the nurse told me that it actually worked on somebody.  That didn't make me feel better.

De. Jensen told me that the chemo wasn't working, that I needed surgery to remove my bladder.  He said it was a very difficul surgery.  I needed to prepare for it.  The first thing I did was tell my family.  Yvonne from Virginia and Marlene from Idaho, came to be with me.

The day before my surgery they knocked on my door.  They wanted to go shopping.  I couldn't go so they went and bought me a whole bunch of cloths.

The next day, we arrived at the hospital early in the morning.  The anesthesiologist asked me about my previous illness.  I had quite a list. Yvonne and Marlene wanted to know what COPD meant.  I was embarrassed, because it is caused by smoking.  I told them it is a combination of emphysema and chronic bronchitis.  The doctor said that my surgery would last 9 hours.  Alarmed I asked, "Am I going to live?"
Dr. Jenson came in and poked around my bellly, saying that I may loose my belly button.  I thought I could live with that, if I was to live.

The surgery lasted 9 hours.  They didn't do it right, so I had to go back into surgery.

I think I was in ICU.  For the first two or three weeks, I don't think I was fully conscious.  I kept trying to get out of bed and leave, but I had no idea where I was going.  I remember the nurse moistening my lips with a tiny sponge.  I had seen them do that to my mother when she was dying.  I was lying there peacefully when the nurse pulled back my sheet and said, "Oh my!"

The next while was like a bad dream.  My friends were talking to me outside my window.  Some of them jumped off the roof.  My best friend jumped out of the Life Flight Helicopter.  When I told my Aunt Maxine that she had sent all my belongings to Arizona,  She said, "Do you find that amusing?"  The nurse asked me if I was oriented.  I thought, "I'f I'm not oriented, how will I know."

I wasn't sure whether or not I was in isolation, but the doctors that came in said they specialized in infectious disease.  I figured I must have contacted some kind of infectious disease.

To my surprise, when I tried to move my leg I discovered that I was in restraints.  I got scared.  I thought if there was a fire I wouldn't be able to get out.  I asked the attendant to take off my restraints and she did.  I don't know where I thought I was going, but I got out of bed.  My legs collapsed.  As I fell down I thought I was dying.

Then I heard my sister Jan singing to me.  It was so pretty and peaceful.  I just laid there listening.  I didn't worry about anything.

Jan was in Russia at that time. Her husband was doing volunteer work there for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  Jan had been fasting and praying for me.  She wanted to see me but thought it was impossible.  Then she thought, "Maybe I could call the airline and find out how much it would cost."  They told her that since she already had a ticket to Detroit, they could just add on Salt Lake City and there would be no charge.

Back in Utah, I woke up.  The nurse said, "Kathy, it's Saturday," The phone rang.  It was my sister Yvonne calling to tell me that Jan was on her way to see me.  A couple of days later, Jan walked in to my room.  It was like a miracle.

Easter Poem

Thank you, my family,
for teaching me to pray.
Thanks for baptising me,
so that I could receive
the gift of the Holy Ghost,
that guides me on my way.

I quit listening
to that still,small voice.
I was lost.

Things became dark and wicked.
clearly the wrong choice.
As I laid in my deep, dark muddy hole
I remembered Jesus.
I can't imagine how he took on
all of our sins,
but he did.

I didn't feel worthy.
I trembled in fear.
I whispered a prayer.
He reached out his hand
and pulled me near.

He held me near and comforted me.
It didn't seem fair
for him to suffer as he did and die
for us sinners.
His love was that strong.

Little People

Looking from above,
we look like llittle people
that scurry around our world
that we have built, grown and decorated.
millions of us
tripping over each other
trying to make things better.

We pass from this world
one at a time
and we weep with every passing.
We leave an empty space
that with time fills in.

Poverty

Have you ever stood in line at the food bank?
Wore holy shirts and shoes.
Not had anything to wear while you wash your pants
Searched the dumpster for dinner
Slept where ever because the shelter was full.
Because the rich need a tax break and now
They are trying to make money
Off the disabled.
It's a sin
And it makes me sick.

My Big Brother

"Don't mess with me.  I've got a big brother who is 6 feet tall and he's strong."  I always bragged about Bill.  He used to chase me through the house.  Once I ran into his bedroom.  I went in backwards.  I meant to fall back on his bed.  I didn't know he had moved his bed.  The floor was cement and it hurt when I hit my head.

I was playing badmitton with him one day.  He picked up a frog and put it on his racket.  Swinging the racket he sent the frog flying towards me.  I quickly swung my racket at the frog.  When the frog hit my racket, it went all to pieces.  Bill screamed at me,"You weren't supposed to hit him.  You killed him."  "Oh no," I cried  "I'm a murderer."

When I was 7 years old, Bill was teasing me with a paddle ball.  He was trying to hit me with the ball.  I was wiggling around on the couch.  Someone had left a kitchen knife on the couch.  It went into my leg.  I felt some pain, but I didn't realize I was hurt until I saw the blood.  "You stabbed me!"I yelled.  Bill quickly put a tourniquet on my leg.  He learned how to do that in boy scouts.  He felt terrible.  I stayed mad at him for a long time, but later realized that it was an accident.  I forgave him a long time ago.

Humor

When my insides were jumping
A rapid heart beat that wanted
To blow up my rib cage.

I wanted to poke a hole
In my crampy belly
To release the pressure.
When my head was ordering me
To die.

I expected you to talk softly
of peace and calmness.
Instead you found humor in my circumstance.
As we laughed at funny stories,
Both she and I recited.
I realized that the anxiety was gone.
RELIEF!

Stories

We all have our stories
Our little glimpses of our life.
We tell them over and over again.
Different stories, different people.
Stories of love, hate, adventure,
Stupidity and ingenious.
Are my stories any better than yours?
Do we just tell more people?
Is the way we present them more interesting?
Do people pretend to like them
Out of courtesy.
Are they scarey or funny or exciting?
Or are they just plain boring?