There are wars and rumors of wars,
natural disasters.
The government tries to hang on,
Many of us are afraid of Armageddon.
It's natural to fear the unknown.
In our current lives,
we feel illness, injury, battle wounds
heartaches and depression.
Lots of pain,
physical and mental
Some people feel confused.
Always enduring.
In the end
The unknown could not
be any worse.
than things we
have already endured.
Besides,
The Savior will be there.
How glorious!
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
On Church Benches
In church,
as a child
between wooden benches
it's difficult to play.,
we're trying to be reverent anyway.
On the bench,
I watch Daddy.
His eyes are trying to close.
He tries to fight it,
but off to sleep he goes.
"It's OK, Daddy."
"Just please, don't snore."
as a child
between wooden benches
it's difficult to play.,
we're trying to be reverent anyway.
On the bench,
I watch Daddy.
His eyes are trying to close.
He tries to fight it,
but off to sleep he goes.
"It's OK, Daddy."
"Just please, don't snore."
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Christmas
This is my silly effort to use rythm and rymn
I wrote this song myself.
Didn't buy it at the store.
A song about Christmas
and goodies galore.
Singing carols and jingles
in quartets and singles.
Seems we've forgotten
who Christmas is for.
It's cold, the wind blows.
The roof tops are covered
with ice and snow.
Santa's coming tonight
all the kids know.
His reindeer on roof tops.
Lined up in a row.
When Christmas is over,
Santa's emptied his sack.
He yells "Merry Christmas!"
On his way back.
I wrote this song myself.
Didn't buy it at the store.
A song about Christmas
and goodies galore.
Singing carols and jingles
in quartets and singles.
Seems we've forgotten
who Christmas is for.
It's cold, the wind blows.
The roof tops are covered
with ice and snow.
Santa's coming tonight
all the kids know.
His reindeer on roof tops.
Lined up in a row.
When Christmas is over,
Santa's emptied his sack.
He yells "Merry Christmas!"
On his way back.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Here's Looking at You
As the eyes on a painting watch me
wherever I am in the room,
so the eyes of the holy man,
in church,
The bishop watches me.
During sacrament
whatever ward I am in.
He has watched me
since I was a child.
I may be a sinner,
but not every week.
Why he watches me,
I do not know.
I have this to say,
"I am not guilty!"
wherever I am in the room,
so the eyes of the holy man,
in church,
The bishop watches me.
During sacrament
whatever ward I am in.
He has watched me
since I was a child.
I may be a sinner,
but not every week.
Why he watches me,
I do not know.
I have this to say,
"I am not guilty!"
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
He's Watching
Santa has camera that is much llike a big eye. He watches everything we do. He makes a note when we are selfish or hateful. What's more important is that he watches the good things that people do, like making friends with someone who is lonely, cheering someone who is sad, giving to people who need things desperately or giving support to someone after a horrible tragedy. Sometimes, just being concerned is a gift. Be a friend. Share the spirit of giving.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Blaming
A child failed to speak and people wondered why.
She failed to cuddle, to react to those around her.
"Maybe she's deaf ." They wondered.
"What's wrong with our baby?" They cried.
"Sounds like autism." A doctor declared.
Bewildered parents prayed.
In a different place, a horrible tragedy happened.
Twenty children, murdered.
People all over the world felt the pain.
Angry people blamed mental illness.
autism, in particular.
They don't know autism.
I don't know autism,
but I know that we can't blame
these sweet people.
She failed to cuddle, to react to those around her.
"Maybe she's deaf ." They wondered.
"What's wrong with our baby?" They cried.
"Sounds like autism." A doctor declared.
Bewildered parents prayed.
In a different place, a horrible tragedy happened.
Twenty children, murdered.
People all over the world felt the pain.
Angry people blamed mental illness.
autism, in particular.
They don't know autism.
I don't know autism,
but I know that we can't blame
these sweet people.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Fishing
Springtime in Redding
We lived in a little pink house
at the bottom of some yellow hills.
A creek rolled past us.
I was nine years old.
I ran throught the field
with it's crackly weeds,
chasing butterflies and collecting spiders
Wild flowers colored the field,
purple, yellow, pink and green.
I loved to pick them for my mother.
At the creek, I sat on a rock
with my feet dangling and splashing.
I watched the tadpoles.
Some of them were growing legs.
I spotted a fish in the middle of the creek.
Standing up slowly, I hung on to the
slipper rocks with my toes.
I stood above the fish
with my legs spread apart.,
I grabbed the fish.
It slipped through my hands
I kept grabbing and splashing.
Amazingly I kept my balance.
Finally, I caught him and
took him home to my mother.
She said, "That's just an old carp."
garbage fish." We can't eat it."
I thought to myself,
"I risked my life to catch a garbage fish."
We lived in a little pink house
at the bottom of some yellow hills.
A creek rolled past us.
I was nine years old.
I ran throught the field
with it's crackly weeds,
chasing butterflies and collecting spiders
Wild flowers colored the field,
purple, yellow, pink and green.
I loved to pick them for my mother.
At the creek, I sat on a rock
with my feet dangling and splashing.
I watched the tadpoles.
Some of them were growing legs.
I spotted a fish in the middle of the creek.
Standing up slowly, I hung on to the
slipper rocks with my toes.
I stood above the fish
with my legs spread apart.,
I grabbed the fish.
It slipped through my hands
I kept grabbing and splashing.
Amazingly I kept my balance.
Finally, I caught him and
took him home to my mother.
She said, "That's just an old carp."
garbage fish." We can't eat it."
I thought to myself,
"I risked my life to catch a garbage fish."
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Pearl
Crocheted heirlooms
remind me of the aunt I never knew.
In her pictures, she is about twelfe years old.
It was probalby during the late 1920's
She had white hair and
wore a white dress.
They say she had brain fever.
She stayed in her room,
.
according to my mother's memory.
My mom was 6 years old
Pearl, was 16,
She was taken
in a horse drawn ambulance,
To live with the mentally ill.
She died young.
I wonder what she suffered.
remind me of the aunt I never knew.
In her pictures, she is about twelfe years old.
It was probalby during the late 1920's
She had white hair and
wore a white dress.
They say she had brain fever.
She stayed in her room,
.
according to my mother's memory.
My mom was 6 years old
Pearl, was 16,
She was taken
in a horse drawn ambulance,
To live with the mentally ill.
She died young.
I wonder what she suffered.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Numb
Moving around,
walking, breathing, feeling
Nothing.
Trying to hurt
To show that I am real.
Open eyed, yet
asleep, wandering.
That's why
I watch sad movies,
write sad poems
and have done horrible things.
I need to be real.
I need to feel.
walking, breathing, feeling
Nothing.
Trying to hurt
To show that I am real.
Open eyed, yet
asleep, wandering.
That's why
I watch sad movies,
write sad poems
and have done horrible things.
I need to be real.
I need to feel.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Today at Table 6
I wonder what Jay is thinking about. He is obviously thinking very intensely. Every once in a while, he giggles, shaking the table like an earthquake. I mistake his solemn stare as an opinion of something I just said. Then I realize that he doesn't hear my conversation.
Faye, must not feel well. She didn't show up for supper.
Rueben is making a joke in his broken English. Being from El Salvador, he speaks with an accent. Actually he speaks pretty good English. When he is asked what he wants to drink, he answers "Tequila and a gallon of milk."
For the last couple of days, Felix hasn't been feeling well. When I pointed that out to Judy, she reminded me that he put a bunch of sugar on his fruit salad during lunch. That was an act of rebillion against his diabetes. Tonight, he was asleep in his chair.
Judy was trying to be pleasant, but is annoyed at someone who talked about her behind her back. She is also annoyed that during Karaoke, people liked someone else's singing. I get thoughts like that sometimes, but I usually keep them to myself. We all want to be the best, right? Judy has had a lot of praise for her imitations of Elvis and she's afraid that someone will steal her glory. I tried to explain to her that because she is good, doesn't mean that nobody else can be good also.
That was the aciion at table 6 this evening. As usual, we were served last, which continues to teach us patients.
Faye, must not feel well. She didn't show up for supper.
Rueben is making a joke in his broken English. Being from El Salvador, he speaks with an accent. Actually he speaks pretty good English. When he is asked what he wants to drink, he answers "Tequila and a gallon of milk."
For the last couple of days, Felix hasn't been feeling well. When I pointed that out to Judy, she reminded me that he put a bunch of sugar on his fruit salad during lunch. That was an act of rebillion against his diabetes. Tonight, he was asleep in his chair.
Judy was trying to be pleasant, but is annoyed at someone who talked about her behind her back. She is also annoyed that during Karaoke, people liked someone else's singing. I get thoughts like that sometimes, but I usually keep them to myself. We all want to be the best, right? Judy has had a lot of praise for her imitations of Elvis and she's afraid that someone will steal her glory. I tried to explain to her that because she is good, doesn't mean that nobody else can be good also.
That was the aciion at table 6 this evening. As usual, we were served last, which continues to teach us patients.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Stop it!
Your secrets are showing,
Like a slip at church,
That hangs below your skirt.
It's not the same thing.
I can live with embarrassment.
This is my life.
Because my life is important.
I choose what I show
No one can remember
What they never knew.
Like a slip at church,
That hangs below your skirt.
It's not the same thing.
I can live with embarrassment.
This is my life.
Because my life is important.
I choose what I show
No one can remember
What they never knew.
Monday, October 22, 2012
As Winter Approaches
Kids are dreaming about sledding and throwing snowballs. Skiers anticipate the coming of the new season. Bring out the coats, the rock salt and the snow blowers. The most dreaded part of the snow is driving in it.
In 1967, I was 20 years old. It was a snowy evening, a blizzard. I had a night class at the University of Utah. As I was getting ready to go, my mom said, "You can't go out in that. It's a blizzard." Thinking that I was indestructible, I grabbed the car keys and went out.
The hill on 1st South leading to the University was steep and snowpacked. It was a white out. All that I could see in front of me was snowflakes flying. I stopped at the intersection then attempted to drive forward. My tires started to spin. The car made a complete circle and landed on the sidewalk.
A man who had watched me spin around came over to my car and told me that I wouldn't be able to get the car off the sidewalk until morning when some of the snow melted. He asked me if I would like to stay with his mother, an elderly lady who had an apartment nearby.
At the lady's apartment, I called my mother. I told her that the car was on the sidewalk and that I wouldn't be able to drive it until morning. Mom screamed, "Is the car alright?" She was furious. "I think the cars alright." I answered. "I'm alright." "Aren't you glad that I'm alright?" "I'm concerned about the car." she replied.
I spent the night with the nice lady. The next morning, after some of the snow had melted, I was able to drive the car off of the sidewalk. The car and I were alright.
In 1967, I was 20 years old. It was a snowy evening, a blizzard. I had a night class at the University of Utah. As I was getting ready to go, my mom said, "You can't go out in that. It's a blizzard." Thinking that I was indestructible, I grabbed the car keys and went out.
The hill on 1st South leading to the University was steep and snowpacked. It was a white out. All that I could see in front of me was snowflakes flying. I stopped at the intersection then attempted to drive forward. My tires started to spin. The car made a complete circle and landed on the sidewalk.
A man who had watched me spin around came over to my car and told me that I wouldn't be able to get the car off the sidewalk until morning when some of the snow melted. He asked me if I would like to stay with his mother, an elderly lady who had an apartment nearby.
At the lady's apartment, I called my mother. I told her that the car was on the sidewalk and that I wouldn't be able to drive it until morning. Mom screamed, "Is the car alright?" She was furious. "I think the cars alright." I answered. "I'm alright." "Aren't you glad that I'm alright?" "I'm concerned about the car." she replied.
I spent the night with the nice lady. The next morning, after some of the snow had melted, I was able to drive the car off of the sidewalk. The car and I were alright.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Dysfunctional
When the abnormal becomes normal,
the dysfunction makes our insides sore.
No dagger stings or penetrates deeper
than when it comes from a loved one who
analysis it, dissects it and wallows in it.
In the end, details don't matter.
Love,
at the core of our being
may be battered and bruised,
but it can survive.
the dysfunction makes our insides sore.
No dagger stings or penetrates deeper
than when it comes from a loved one who
analysis it, dissects it and wallows in it.
In the end, details don't matter.
Love,
at the core of our being
may be battered and bruised,
but it can survive.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Bad Luck With Pets
My brother,Steve loves all kinds of animals, but all of his pets seemed destined for tragedy. Steve had a male siamese cat, named Padywak. Being about the age for him to go looking for females, he wanted out of the house. We tried to keep him in, but he carried on so much that we finally let him out. Two or three days went by without a sign of Padywak. I think Steve was in the sixth grade. I was in high school. Our schools were close together and Dad always took us to school. While driving to school, we found Padywak. He was in the road, smashed by a car, dead. All three of us saw him, but no one said a word. We each didn't want to upset the other. We talked about it after school.
The most tragic and remebered story about Steve's pets, happened when Jan and I were going somewhere, probably shopping. Steve had a new puppy named Rascal. He was a cute little black puppy with curly hair. Steve was excited to have him. Jan and I failed to notice Rascal sleeping under the car next to the back tire. Jan started then engine and put the car in grear. As we rolled forward we heard a yelp. We knew that we had rolled over Rascal. Jan felt horrible. So did I. I especially felt bad for Jan and Steve. While I was holding Rascal on my lap, he died. I had never seen an animal die before. It was awful. Stephen cried for three days. I think Jan still feels bad.
Steve had some pet gerbils and a white rat. He was using the rat for a science project. He built a maze. His plan was to give the rat a drop of alcohol and find out how it would affect the mouse as it ran the maze. When he put the dead mouse in the maze, it went to sleep. After the science fair, Steve put the rat in the cage with the gerbils. The gerbils ate it. Steve was furious at the gerbils. He took them back to the pet store and bought a dog.
In his adoult life, living with Kathy, he has had a few cats. When they are sick, he tries everything to make them well. Sometimes there is just nothing that can be done. As sad as it is, he has to say goodbye to his loving companions. I think they know that they are loved.
The most tragic and remebered story about Steve's pets, happened when Jan and I were going somewhere, probably shopping. Steve had a new puppy named Rascal. He was a cute little black puppy with curly hair. Steve was excited to have him. Jan and I failed to notice Rascal sleeping under the car next to the back tire. Jan started then engine and put the car in grear. As we rolled forward we heard a yelp. We knew that we had rolled over Rascal. Jan felt horrible. So did I. I especially felt bad for Jan and Steve. While I was holding Rascal on my lap, he died. I had never seen an animal die before. It was awful. Stephen cried for three days. I think Jan still feels bad.
Steve had some pet gerbils and a white rat. He was using the rat for a science project. He built a maze. His plan was to give the rat a drop of alcohol and find out how it would affect the mouse as it ran the maze. When he put the dead mouse in the maze, it went to sleep. After the science fair, Steve put the rat in the cage with the gerbils. The gerbils ate it. Steve was furious at the gerbils. He took them back to the pet store and bought a dog.
In his adoult life, living with Kathy, he has had a few cats. When they are sick, he tries everything to make them well. Sometimes there is just nothing that can be done. As sad as it is, he has to say goodbye to his loving companions. I think they know that they are loved.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Swollen
My progressing mental illness
caused my whole being
to swell and become scarlet.
gradually growing
bloated and throbbing with pain
I poked at my belly
needing to cut it
to release the poison
and ease my swelling self.
caused my whole being
to swell and become scarlet.
gradually growing
bloated and throbbing with pain
I poked at my belly
needing to cut it
to release the poison
and ease my swelling self.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Yvonne, Jan and Me
My first memory of my sisters and I happened when I was about 3 years old. It was early in the morning. I was up and wanted company. Jan and Yvonne were lying in bed. "It's morning. Get up and play with me."I demanded. "Go away!. It's too early." they replied. "Get up!" again I demanded. They screamed, "No! Get out of here. Go back to bed." I started shaking the bed and hitting the covers. "Leave us alone!" they yelled. I looked around saw the ironing board and iron. I picked up the iron and swung it over my head in the throwing position. "Don't throw that. You could kill somebody that way." Not listening, I threw the iron. Luckily, I missed. My sisters accused me of aattempted murder. I grew up remembering that and thinking I was some kind of monster.
Yvonne and Jan didn't want me to play with them very often. They said I was too little. They wouldn't take me to the movies because I ran up and down the aisle. It seemed like Yvonne and Jan were always together. I felt left out.
When I was 4, I remember my sisters going off to school. They grabbed their sack lunches and were on their way. I started to scream, "I want to go with them." "You can't." Mom said, "They're going to school." "I want to go to school."I replied. "You're not old enough." Mom told me. She held me on her lap as I screamed and carried on." Since I was big for my age and I want to go so much, I started school the next fall. I probably should have waited another year.
As I grew to be 5 and 6 years old. I was always in rouble. I got blamed for everything. I would ask,"Why do people always blame me?" They would answer, "Because you did it." I knew they were right, but still didn't like it.
My family and I moved from our house in Susanville to a one bedroom apartment in Redding. I don't know how we all fit. My sisters got the mumps. Mom told me to stay away from them. That wasn't easy to do. I decided I didn't care if I got the mumps. I kissed my sisters goodbye and went off to school.
We didn't live in that apartment very long. Mom was pregnant. After we got our house on Oregon Gulh Rd., Stephen was born.
Yvonne and Jan were still together most of the time. I used to get jealous of Jan for being so good. When I tried to fight with her, she wouldn't even fight back. It seemed that she couldn't do anything wrong. I got angry and scribbled in her bible and attacked her while she was saying her prayers.
As we grew, Yvonne was beginning to mature and needed her privacy. When Bill went into the army, Yvonne took his room. Jan and I shared our room. I don't know how she put up with me. When I got sick, Mom made her clean it up.
When Yvonne and Jan were teenagers, we moved to Red Bluff. During High School, Yvonne got engaged to Ves West. She didn't seem to take it serious. They broke up. After graduating from High School, she worked and earned enough money to go to BYU, in Provo, Utah.
Our whole family moved to Utah a couple of years later. Jan graduated from High School in Salt Lake City, then joined Yvonne at BYU. Yvonne got her BA at BYU the same year I graduated from High School, 1964. The next year I went to BYU with Jan.
Looking back it is apparent the Yvonne, Jan and me had a very normal relationship.
Yvonne and Jan didn't want me to play with them very often. They said I was too little. They wouldn't take me to the movies because I ran up and down the aisle. It seemed like Yvonne and Jan were always together. I felt left out.
When I was 4, I remember my sisters going off to school. They grabbed their sack lunches and were on their way. I started to scream, "I want to go with them." "You can't." Mom said, "They're going to school." "I want to go to school."I replied. "You're not old enough." Mom told me. She held me on her lap as I screamed and carried on." Since I was big for my age and I want to go so much, I started school the next fall. I probably should have waited another year.
As I grew to be 5 and 6 years old. I was always in rouble. I got blamed for everything. I would ask,"Why do people always blame me?" They would answer, "Because you did it." I knew they were right, but still didn't like it.
My family and I moved from our house in Susanville to a one bedroom apartment in Redding. I don't know how we all fit. My sisters got the mumps. Mom told me to stay away from them. That wasn't easy to do. I decided I didn't care if I got the mumps. I kissed my sisters goodbye and went off to school.
We didn't live in that apartment very long. Mom was pregnant. After we got our house on Oregon Gulh Rd., Stephen was born.
Yvonne and Jan were still together most of the time. I used to get jealous of Jan for being so good. When I tried to fight with her, she wouldn't even fight back. It seemed that she couldn't do anything wrong. I got angry and scribbled in her bible and attacked her while she was saying her prayers.
As we grew, Yvonne was beginning to mature and needed her privacy. When Bill went into the army, Yvonne took his room. Jan and I shared our room. I don't know how she put up with me. When I got sick, Mom made her clean it up.
When Yvonne and Jan were teenagers, we moved to Red Bluff. During High School, Yvonne got engaged to Ves West. She didn't seem to take it serious. They broke up. After graduating from High School, she worked and earned enough money to go to BYU, in Provo, Utah.
Our whole family moved to Utah a couple of years later. Jan graduated from High School in Salt Lake City, then joined Yvonne at BYU. Yvonne got her BA at BYU the same year I graduated from High School, 1964. The next year I went to BYU with Jan.
Looking back it is apparent the Yvonne, Jan and me had a very normal relationship.
Secrets
Don't share your secrets.
Do not upset people.
Bury your secrets deep inside.
Try to forget.
But then,
Your buried secrets
fester,
like a malignant mass
that metastisizes
to distroy the whole person.
Do not upset people.
Bury your secrets deep inside.
Try to forget.
But then,
Your buried secrets
fester,
like a malignant mass
that metastisizes
to distroy the whole person.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Soot
Wild fire soot darkens the sky.
A brown haze hovers over the city
It falls on every building, car and person
on every part of my body
even iside my mouth.
It smears grey filth upon my skin,
much like a drepressed mood
that smears darkness
over my entire body and soul.
A brown haze hovers over the city
It falls on every building, car and person
on every part of my body
even iside my mouth.
It smears grey filth upon my skin,
much like a drepressed mood
that smears darkness
over my entire body and soul.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
The Seclusion Room
The horror
of the seclusion room,
the window
with it's criss cross screen
tht holds me securely in.
inside the white walls
with a high ceiling
that holds a camera.
Oh! The Camera!
Have to break the camera,
Somehow, I must reach the camera
and distroy it.
Ingeniously,
someone left a chair in the room.
I scoot the chair
over to the windlow,
planning to balance on the window seal,
then reach over and smash the camera
I start my climb.
Suddenly,there are five people
holding me down
tieing me down.
Unable to move,
I know I must calm down.
I breath deep
and try to relax.
The seclusion room,
on the psych ward.
What has become of me?
of the seclusion room,
the window
with it's criss cross screen
tht holds me securely in.
inside the white walls
with a high ceiling
that holds a camera.
Oh! The Camera!
Have to break the camera,
Somehow, I must reach the camera
and distroy it.
Ingeniously,
someone left a chair in the room.
I scoot the chair
over to the windlow,
planning to balance on the window seal,
then reach over and smash the camera
I start my climb.
Suddenly,there are five people
holding me down
tieing me down.
Unable to move,
I know I must calm down.
I breath deep
and try to relax.
The seclusion room,
on the psych ward.
What has become of me?
Saturday, June 2, 2012
The Gift of a Song
Trapped in a body
that was unable to move
my mother lay
in her hospital bed.
"I love you, Mom."
the only words I could
think to say.
I watched as my father
stroked her forehead.
Singing,
"Sure, I love the dear silver
that shines in her hair."
"Oh Godd bless you
and keep you, Mother Mckree."
A bright light of love
glowed around them.
A halo that framed
the two of them.
together for the last time
on this earth.
Eight years later,
in my own unconscious body,
I heard my sister singing,
so peacefully,
the overwhelming gift of love.
that was unable to move
my mother lay
in her hospital bed.
"I love you, Mom."
the only words I could
think to say.
I watched as my father
stroked her forehead.
Singing,
"Sure, I love the dear silver
that shines in her hair."
"Oh Godd bless you
and keep you, Mother Mckree."
A bright light of love
glowed around them.
A halo that framed
the two of them.
together for the last time
on this earth.
Eight years later,
in my own unconscious body,
I heard my sister singing,
so peacefully,
the overwhelming gift of love.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Never Married
I don't know why I never married.
It just didn't happen.
I told my neice that it was because
no one loved me.
She cried.
I realized it wasn't true.
I've had my romances.
Some people think I am unusual.
Some people speculate
about my preferances.
I'm just alone.
I haven't given up
I've heard of people
getting married for the first time
in their sixties.
Right now,
I am between boyfriends.
It just didn't happen.
I told my neice that it was because
no one loved me.
She cried.
I realized it wasn't true.
I've had my romances.
Some people think I am unusual.
Some people speculate
about my preferances.
I'm just alone.
I haven't given up
I've heard of people
getting married for the first time
in their sixties.
Right now,
I am between boyfriends.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Old Age
Quoting my sister,
"I'm not getting old.
My body is."
My body is gradually
getting more wrinkled and
moving slower.
Sometimes it hurts and
sometimes I fall down,
and yet, I am thankful
to be able to experience more.
to enjoy more people,
to touch more lives
and to be touched.
I don't know whether or not
I will ever be ready to move on.
"I'm not getting old.
My body is."
My body is gradually
getting more wrinkled and
moving slower.
Sometimes it hurts and
sometimes I fall down,
and yet, I am thankful
to be able to experience more.
to enjoy more people,
to touch more lives
and to be touched.
I don't know whether or not
I will ever be ready to move on.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Unemployment
At different times after high school, I have been unemployed. It went on for as long as a year and as short as a week. I have had a job last for as long as six years and as short as four hours.
When I first came home from college, I tried to be a waitress, but I got fired from every waitress job I ever had. I did things like forgetting the banana on a banana split and pouring coffee in their water glasses.
It was extrememly hard to find a job in Fresno, California. I actually got a job the first week I was there. I worked at a snack bar in a grocery store. They hired me because I told them that I was an experienced waitress. I didn't tell them that I was fired from every waitress job I ever had. My employer wanted me to wait on the counter, cook and cashier. A customer ordered a patty melt. I had never heard of a patty melt. I was fired because I asked the customer how to make it.
I took any kind of a job I could get. I got a job tying tennis shoes together, I was trying to impress them with how fast I could do it. Instead, I impressed them by tying all the shoes with the toes pointing out, In other words on the wrong feet. I was fired. I felt so stupid. I cried all the way home.
I did some temporary work with Manpower and I kept checking the board at the unemployment office. One day a job as a file clerk was put on the board. When I applied for it, I found out that it was really a telemarketing job and was only one day a week. I used to call time and pretend I was giving them a sales pitch.
My family moved to Ventura, California. When I got there, I got very sick with a cold. It lasted about a month. I was supposed to apply for three jobs a week to keep my unemployment check. I cheated, I wrote down jobs I had seen in the newspaper and said that I had applied for them. It was obvious that I was too sick to look for work. The lady at the unemployment office told me that she didn't believe me, but she didn't tell on me.
When I got over being sick, I got a job at Sears selling panty hose. Around Christmas I got a job as a switchboard operator at the local hospital. I worked there six years.
When I first came home from college, I tried to be a waitress, but I got fired from every waitress job I ever had. I did things like forgetting the banana on a banana split and pouring coffee in their water glasses.
It was extrememly hard to find a job in Fresno, California. I actually got a job the first week I was there. I worked at a snack bar in a grocery store. They hired me because I told them that I was an experienced waitress. I didn't tell them that I was fired from every waitress job I ever had. My employer wanted me to wait on the counter, cook and cashier. A customer ordered a patty melt. I had never heard of a patty melt. I was fired because I asked the customer how to make it.
I took any kind of a job I could get. I got a job tying tennis shoes together, I was trying to impress them with how fast I could do it. Instead, I impressed them by tying all the shoes with the toes pointing out, In other words on the wrong feet. I was fired. I felt so stupid. I cried all the way home.
I did some temporary work with Manpower and I kept checking the board at the unemployment office. One day a job as a file clerk was put on the board. When I applied for it, I found out that it was really a telemarketing job and was only one day a week. I used to call time and pretend I was giving them a sales pitch.
My family moved to Ventura, California. When I got there, I got very sick with a cold. It lasted about a month. I was supposed to apply for three jobs a week to keep my unemployment check. I cheated, I wrote down jobs I had seen in the newspaper and said that I had applied for them. It was obvious that I was too sick to look for work. The lady at the unemployment office told me that she didn't believe me, but she didn't tell on me.
When I got over being sick, I got a job at Sears selling panty hose. Around Christmas I got a job as a switchboard operator at the local hospital. I worked there six years.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
I Miss You Daddy
After my mom died, Dad said that he had no intetions of marrying again. No one was expecting Virginia to come along. After he married her, one of the things he told me about her was that she was abused as a child by her father. Dad asked me, "Did I ever abuse you kids/" That was just rediculous. He did have a temper and got mad about stupid things, but he never abused anybody.
When I was a child about nine years old, Dad hit me. That was the one and only time it ever happened. He felt really bad and apologized.
When I think of my dad. I think of him singing, "I'll Take You Home Again, Kathleen." I have memories of riding with him in his truck and sitting on his lap eating popcorn and watching the fights. I thought he was funny. I was proud to have my friends meet him.
He put up with a lot from me. I used to melt holes in his steering wheel with the cigarette lighter in his car. He got mad but he never over reacted.
When us kids grew into adults, he stayed involved in our lives. I remember him going to a biker's bar looking for my brother, Steve. He didn't like mental health, but he took me to the crisis worker and the University Medical Center many times, sometimes in the middle of the night.
When he lived in Midvale and I lived in different apartments he helped me in many situations. He could solve almost any problem. One time in particular, I accidently threw my keys in the dumpster. I thought I was going to have to climb in the dumpster to get my keys. I thought I could get in it, but I didn't know how to get out. Dad solved my problem. He brought over a long stick with a magnet on the end, people use them to collect pop cans out of dumpsters. Dad got my keys out, once again to the rescue.
I miss you, Daddy
When I was a child about nine years old, Dad hit me. That was the one and only time it ever happened. He felt really bad and apologized.
When I think of my dad. I think of him singing, "I'll Take You Home Again, Kathleen." I have memories of riding with him in his truck and sitting on his lap eating popcorn and watching the fights. I thought he was funny. I was proud to have my friends meet him.
He put up with a lot from me. I used to melt holes in his steering wheel with the cigarette lighter in his car. He got mad but he never over reacted.
When us kids grew into adults, he stayed involved in our lives. I remember him going to a biker's bar looking for my brother, Steve. He didn't like mental health, but he took me to the crisis worker and the University Medical Center many times, sometimes in the middle of the night.
When he lived in Midvale and I lived in different apartments he helped me in many situations. He could solve almost any problem. One time in particular, I accidently threw my keys in the dumpster. I thought I was going to have to climb in the dumpster to get my keys. I thought I could get in it, but I didn't know how to get out. Dad solved my problem. He brought over a long stick with a magnet on the end, people use them to collect pop cans out of dumpsters. Dad got my keys out, once again to the rescue.
I miss you, Daddy
Guilty
I'm not good at a lot of things, but there is one thing that I am very good at. That is feeling guilty. I can feel responsible for almost anything. I've never murdered anybody, but there have been times when I wished I could get someone to disappear, just to get them out of my life. I'm not responsible for the Viet Nam war, but I feel guilty that I wasn't more sensitive to the soldiers who had returned home.
I've tried to turn my life around and I'm doing better. I need to do more where the church is concerned. I also need to be more friendly and helpful. I need to focus on myself less. When I try to be nice, it seems like I am doing it for the good feeling I get. There I go, thinking about myself again.
I've tried to turn my life around and I'm doing better. I need to do more where the church is concerned. I also need to be more friendly and helpful. I need to focus on myself less. When I try to be nice, it seems like I am doing it for the good feeling I get. There I go, thinking about myself again.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Singing
Some of my first childhood memories are about singing. When I was 5 years old my favorite songs to sing were, "The Tennessee Waltz," "How Much is That Doggie in the Window?" and "Rudolf the Red Nosed Raindeer."
When I was a young child, I sang solos in church. I was proud of myself. In fifth grade, I sang in front of the school class. I sang, "The Wayward Wind" and The Banana Boat Song." The kids really liked it. One girl said that I was as good as Elvis.
Singing runs in my family. My dad had a beautiful voice. Her sang for church socials and funerals all his life. On his eightieth birthday party, he sang "Stay As Sweet As You Are" to my mother.
When my brother, Bill, was a teenager, he sang in a quartet on a local radio station. I told my friend at school that my brother sang on the radio in a group called The Four Pegs She thought I was talking about The Four Preps. When The Four Preps appeared on American Bandstand, she called me, anxious to know which one was my brother. I had to tell her that he wasn't in The Four Preps. I was embarrassed.
I always like to sing in the bathroom. The accoustics are good in there. One time I was in the bathroom at school, singing my heart out, one song after another, really belting them out. A little girl came in and told me that the teacher sent her in to tell me that I was disturbing the class next door.
As a teenager, my sister Jan and I sang duets. We usually sang "Young and Foolish." We sang at church dinners and parties. In church meetings, we usually sang, "I'll Walk With God." Jan pursued her singing and became a proffesional opera singer. She worked hard to train her voice and her singing is remarkable.
I learned to play the guitar in college. I used to love to play and sing, but I hardly ever pick it up anymore. I don't remember very many songs. I tried to write my own songs, but the songs I wrote we not good at all.
I still like music. I still sing in the shower, but I don't think anybody hears me. It's just as well.
When I was a young child, I sang solos in church. I was proud of myself. In fifth grade, I sang in front of the school class. I sang, "The Wayward Wind" and The Banana Boat Song." The kids really liked it. One girl said that I was as good as Elvis.
Singing runs in my family. My dad had a beautiful voice. Her sang for church socials and funerals all his life. On his eightieth birthday party, he sang "Stay As Sweet As You Are" to my mother.
When my brother, Bill, was a teenager, he sang in a quartet on a local radio station. I told my friend at school that my brother sang on the radio in a group called The Four Pegs She thought I was talking about The Four Preps. When The Four Preps appeared on American Bandstand, she called me, anxious to know which one was my brother. I had to tell her that he wasn't in The Four Preps. I was embarrassed.
I always like to sing in the bathroom. The accoustics are good in there. One time I was in the bathroom at school, singing my heart out, one song after another, really belting them out. A little girl came in and told me that the teacher sent her in to tell me that I was disturbing the class next door.
As a teenager, my sister Jan and I sang duets. We usually sang "Young and Foolish." We sang at church dinners and parties. In church meetings, we usually sang, "I'll Walk With God." Jan pursued her singing and became a proffesional opera singer. She worked hard to train her voice and her singing is remarkable.
I learned to play the guitar in college. I used to love to play and sing, but I hardly ever pick it up anymore. I don't remember very many songs. I tried to write my own songs, but the songs I wrote we not good at all.
I still like music. I still sing in the shower, but I don't think anybody hears me. It's just as well.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Let's Go Get Some More Popcorn
I took my little brother Steve, to the movies downtown. He was about ten or eleven years old. We were sitting in the dark theater watching James Bond. on the screen. A man came along and sat by me. because it was dark, I couldn't see him very well. I heard a noise next to me and I realized that the man was unzipping his pants. I didn't want Steve to know. You might say I was feeling protective. I said, "Steve, let's go get some popcorn."
After getting the popcorn we returned, purposely sitting somewhere else. The man came over and sat by us and again proceeded to unzip. "Steve," I said, "I'm thirsty. Let's go get a drink." When we came back from getting a drink, it happened again. I was getting more scared and Steve was getting annoyed about getting up so much during the movie.
Finally, the last time we went out and came back in, I found two seats for me and Steve on the aisle, next to a family. The pervert wasn't able to sit by us.
We stayed 'till the end of the movie. I don't know whether Steve knew what was going on or not..
After getting the popcorn we returned, purposely sitting somewhere else. The man came over and sat by us and again proceeded to unzip. "Steve," I said, "I'm thirsty. Let's go get a drink." When we came back from getting a drink, it happened again. I was getting more scared and Steve was getting annoyed about getting up so much during the movie.
Finally, the last time we went out and came back in, I found two seats for me and Steve on the aisle, next to a family. The pervert wasn't able to sit by us.
We stayed 'till the end of the movie. I don't know whether Steve knew what was going on or not..
Monday, January 16, 2012
Judy My Long Time Friend
I think people know how Judy and I became friends. It was in 1979. All she could think of to talk to me about was my cat "Sam." I thought she was strange, but I didn't realize she was slow. I invited her to a movie. From that day on, she followed me where ever I went. One day I wanted to go home and take a nap. I was living with Mom and Dad then. She followed me. I didn't know how to tell her to leave, so I went in my bedroom, leaving her sitting in the living room with my mother. She sat there a few minutes and then left.
Judy had a way of moving in with people, by going to visit them and just never leaving.. When she did that to me, I tried to tell her to leave, but she just laughed at me. She used to laugh at Mom too. Mom would say, "If you're going to laugh at me, you can just leave." Just laughed more.
After all these years, I think I've figured out why and how Judy does that. Being slow, her mother did everything for her. Her mother died when she was twenty two. She was left to live with her father, who was a grumpy old man that couldn't take of himself let alone anyone else. He married a woman who he met on dial a date. She and Judy did not get along.
Somehow, she ended up in Reno by herself. She couldn't find a place to live, She stayed in a couple of places that took her money and kicked her out. Having nowhere to go she ended up in the Nevada State Hospital. Judy definately has a mental illness and can be very hard to get along with. Her brothers and sisters seem to be afraid that she will want to live with them. She would like to live with her sister Billie, but Billie and her husband we able to tell her no. Judy still feels hurt by that.
In Salt Lake she tried to live alone. People that she knew from mental health visited her a lot. She has a way of getting people to take care of her. It amazes me, even though I am the one who takes care of her the most. She moves in with people who will take care of her. That's the way she survives. She may be slow, but she knows how to get her needs met..
Judy can't accept anything, from having mental issues to the color of her hair. She has this thing about her hair. She wants blond hair and she gets angry if you tell her it's dark. In reality it is almost black. She is always asking people about her hair, what color it is, if it's curly or wavy or straight. You need to know the right answer, because the truth makes her angry. You also have to lie to her about her weight and many other things.
When I lived with her, she complained if I left her alone for fifteen minutes to take a shower. She was afraid the phone would ring or someone would knock on the door.
I practically had to force her to take a shower. One time she was in the bathtub saying "I don't want to take a bath." One thing I refused to do for her was to help her with her shower or washing her hair. Some people might do that, but not me.
She has a sort of obscessive compulsive thing that makes her feel like she has to get rid of things. I get angry with her when she gets rid of my stuff, but it doesn't do any good.
So, if you wonder why I hang around Judy. It's because she has been with me for thirty years. I'm used to her. She acts like she likes me and she cares about me. I confess, I like her too, faults and all.
Judy had a way of moving in with people, by going to visit them and just never leaving.. When she did that to me, I tried to tell her to leave, but she just laughed at me. She used to laugh at Mom too. Mom would say, "If you're going to laugh at me, you can just leave." Just laughed more.
After all these years, I think I've figured out why and how Judy does that. Being slow, her mother did everything for her. Her mother died when she was twenty two. She was left to live with her father, who was a grumpy old man that couldn't take of himself let alone anyone else. He married a woman who he met on dial a date. She and Judy did not get along.
Somehow, she ended up in Reno by herself. She couldn't find a place to live, She stayed in a couple of places that took her money and kicked her out. Having nowhere to go she ended up in the Nevada State Hospital. Judy definately has a mental illness and can be very hard to get along with. Her brothers and sisters seem to be afraid that she will want to live with them. She would like to live with her sister Billie, but Billie and her husband we able to tell her no. Judy still feels hurt by that.
In Salt Lake she tried to live alone. People that she knew from mental health visited her a lot. She has a way of getting people to take care of her. It amazes me, even though I am the one who takes care of her the most. She moves in with people who will take care of her. That's the way she survives. She may be slow, but she knows how to get her needs met..
Judy can't accept anything, from having mental issues to the color of her hair. She has this thing about her hair. She wants blond hair and she gets angry if you tell her it's dark. In reality it is almost black. She is always asking people about her hair, what color it is, if it's curly or wavy or straight. You need to know the right answer, because the truth makes her angry. You also have to lie to her about her weight and many other things.
When I lived with her, she complained if I left her alone for fifteen minutes to take a shower. She was afraid the phone would ring or someone would knock on the door.
I practically had to force her to take a shower. One time she was in the bathtub saying "I don't want to take a bath." One thing I refused to do for her was to help her with her shower or washing her hair. Some people might do that, but not me.
She has a sort of obscessive compulsive thing that makes her feel like she has to get rid of things. I get angry with her when she gets rid of my stuff, but it doesn't do any good.
So, if you wonder why I hang around Judy. It's because she has been with me for thirty years. I'm used to her. She acts like she likes me and she cares about me. I confess, I like her too, faults and all.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Looking for Church
When my family moved from Midvale, Utah to Idaho Falls, I got an apartment with my girlfriends. I was working at Sweets Candy Co. I had a boyfriend, David, who I was planning to marry in the temple.
My roomates didn't share my religious beliefs and made fun of me for wanting to go to church. We moved into an apartment in the Avenues of Salt Lake City, just because we wanted a bigger place. David and I had put off the wedding.
I wanted to go to church, but I didn't know what ward I was in or even where the church house was. Every Sunday morning, I would put on my dress and go looking for the ward house. I never found it. My roomate, Helene thought that was really funny.
Though I didn't attend church, I still had a testimony and continued to pray. I didn't want my roomates to catch me praying, because they didn't have reverence for religious things. I prayed in the bathroom, thinking I wouldn't be disturbed in there.
My relationship with David was getting stressful. It became apparent that he had no respect for me and had no intentions of marrying me. It was a difficult situation for both of us. I did a lot of praying in the bathroom.
On night when I was in the bathroom praying, Helene started pounding on the door, saying "What are you doing in there?" Helene could be rude.
We decided to move out. Helene went to her mothers. My other two roomates went to live with their boyfriends. I went to live with my aunt and uncle, Maxine and Royal. I didn't go back to church until I moved to California with my parents.
My roomates didn't share my religious beliefs and made fun of me for wanting to go to church. We moved into an apartment in the Avenues of Salt Lake City, just because we wanted a bigger place. David and I had put off the wedding.
I wanted to go to church, but I didn't know what ward I was in or even where the church house was. Every Sunday morning, I would put on my dress and go looking for the ward house. I never found it. My roomate, Helene thought that was really funny.
Though I didn't attend church, I still had a testimony and continued to pray. I didn't want my roomates to catch me praying, because they didn't have reverence for religious things. I prayed in the bathroom, thinking I wouldn't be disturbed in there.
My relationship with David was getting stressful. It became apparent that he had no respect for me and had no intentions of marrying me. It was a difficult situation for both of us. I did a lot of praying in the bathroom.
On night when I was in the bathroom praying, Helene started pounding on the door, saying "What are you doing in there?" Helene could be rude.
We decided to move out. Helene went to her mothers. My other two roomates went to live with their boyfriends. I went to live with my aunt and uncle, Maxine and Royal. I didn't go back to church until I moved to California with my parents.
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