As a child, I was very shy. My parents later told me that when I was three years old, I wouldn't talk to anyone but them. In elementary school, at recess, I felt invisible and lonely.
During puberty, I started thinking about inflicting pain on myself. I experimented a little, but didn't have much of a problem until years later. When I was a teenager I knew there was something wrong, but I was afraid to tell anybody.
I started having suicidal thoughts and hearing voices when I was in my twenties. I lived alone in California. After acting on the thoughts a few times, I realized I needed help. My first hospitalization was in 1974. They immediately put me on psychiatric medicine. The side effects were similar to having Parkinson's Disease. I was miserable, but always took my medicine.
Following my hospital stay, I saw a psychiatrist and attended day treatment. I was able to keep my job.
I had four hospitalizations in the next two years. I was curious about my diagnosis, which my psychiatrist said was schizo affective disorder. It means psychosis accompanied by a depressed or manic affect.
I continued to attempt suicide once in a while. I took a massive overdose and woke up in ICU. My parents found out and came down from Utah to bring me home.
The talking in my head, plus paranoid thoughts made it difficult to hold down a job.
During the 1980's, because of self distructive episodes and suicide attemprs, I spent more time in hospitals and crises centers than I did at home. I had three stays at the Utah State Hospital. In the year 1984, I was only out of the hospital two months out of the whole year. I had twelve ects (shock treatments) and was on large amounts of medicine.
In 1994, I was on a crisis stay when I was approved to take the new medicine chlozatil. The difference was like night and day. All that stuff in my head just went away. I haven't even one crisis stay or hospitalization since.
I live in a mental health apartment. I keep getting better and better. I get encouragement from the staff and other residents. I have become sociable and have made friends. I can do things that I never knew I could do. I am working as a peer mentor. I lead a group. When we lost our transportation, I felt like I had to do something. I worked daily to find alternatives for people.
I have written a book and one of my stories has been published. I am a survivor and more.
