Stigma

I wonder which stigma
I should fight today
Will it be religion,
old age
or my medical condition.
I am a Mormon
Senior Citizen
with a mental illness.
stereotyped and persecuted.
The bible teaches us
to love one another.
You who are without sin,
Wanna trade places.

Being Mentally Ill

Whisper when you talk about it.
Be picky with whom you share.
People think of us as odd,
dangerous and frightening.
blaming us for 
all shocking behaviors and
acts of violence.

I want to scream at the world,
"I am not ashamed! I am innocent!"

The Present

We are told to live in the present.
what if the present is
agony, depression and self loathing.

We can learn from the past and
we can shape, color and build our future.

We are in control.

Depression Is

When your black world
squeezes your energy
Like a tube of tooth paste
left empty and flat.
Too weak for 
Anything to matter.
You could die
hungering for affection
And yet it's too hard 
to hunt for it.
Lying alone, 
Caring about nothing
Praying for a heart attack.

Beulah

A long time ago
an entity, Beulah
shared my room
much like a ghost
a demon
filling my whole room.
smothering me,
choking me.
trying to destroy me.
laughing 
at my suffering,
she called me a friend.
A friend?

Surgery

They cut open my body
to do all the corrections.
It seems like it only takes seconds.
Waking up 
I find myself an invalid
that hurts
for a long time
trying to walk.

Eventually most of the pain is gone
still feeling tender,
weak and dizzy
I  feel like I'm tipping over
Sometimes I collapse
I could break my bones
but not my spirit.

Yvonne

Always there
Always helping
If she doesn't know
The answer she finds it.

When I am lost in the river
Yvonne patiently waits
Gently she offers her hand
To help me get hold of the rod.
She never pressures me.
She just offers her hand.

Telling My Story

Telling my story
I write facts
Carefully choosing
My words
In fear of exposing
My naked feelings. 

Far Away

I can tell the story
but it's from far away,
spoken about a person
who isn't real
just a character in my story
I can tell the details, but
I feel absolutely nothing.
I don't touch things that hurt.

Jan

My sister loves me
and I am blessed.
She tries hard to
make sure I'm OK.
I love her singing
So pretty and peaceful,
Sometimes bold.
comforting when I'm troubled
She is bright almost shining
smiling
Forever young.

Kisses

What's so great about kisses?
A man feels like sand paper
and a woman feels like marble.
Kisses make me feel
loved, warm and happy.
That's what so great about kisses.

Confusion

Confusion is not knowing
Whether or not you are confused.
Not knowing whether or not you are lying.
Giving your life away
For someone else to take care of,
Because you think you may be too
Confused. 

Wher's Kathy

My family loved me.
We played together,
laughed together,
We scolded and
we told each other secrets

After having broken
I was no longer Kathy
I had become an illness.
Everything
I think, do or feel
is about my illness.
I miss me.

Living In The Dark

In this darkness that encircles me
I don't notice the upcoming day.
each day and each night
merges in to one 
Going past me
Leaving me here
in this room
of darkness and confusion
until I am old
Peeking through a crack
in the Venetian Blinds
at the outside world.