Between Me and My Mom

When I look back on my family, I notice that my mom had a special relationship with each of her children.

In my twentys, living in Midvale with my family, Mom and I struggled.  I wanted to be independant and for the first time in my life, I had a social life.  I enjoyed being with my friends.  Mom worried about the kind of things we were doing.  We really didn't do very much wrong.  She told me that family is more important than friends.  You always have your family, while friends come and go.

When my family moved to Ventura, California.  I lived with Mom and Dad and Steve.  I had boyfriends who came over, took me out and talked to me on the phone.  Mom waatched me as I went in and out of the house with my boyfriends.  She seemed OK with it until one evening when I didn't come home until 3:00am.  She was sitting there in the rocking chair, wrapped up in a blanket.  She told me that if it happened again, I would find my belongings on the front porch.

When Mom and Dad moved from Ventura to Sacramento, California and then to Utah, I stayed in Ventura, living alone.  Mom and I had an arrangement She would call me once a week on a Saturday and I would call her the following week on a Saturday.  I really enjoyed those telephone conversations.

When life became tough for me in Ventura, I was able to keep most of the hospital stuff away from them.  I didn't want them to worry.  When Mom found out about my last hospital stay, it became obvious that I couldn't handle it by myself anymore.  My parents came down and packed me up to move to Utah.

I lived with my parents for quite a while.  My illness progressed.  I spent a lot of time at mental health and made some friends.  Something inside me drives me to be independant.  I moved in and out of apartments and back and forth with my parents.  Mom and Dad tried to help with everything going on.  They supported me in all my crisises.

Mom started falling down a lot.  She broke her arm a couple of times.  One day she called me in my apartment and was talking jibberish.  She couldn't form words.  I didn't know what was wrong.  It didn't occur to me that she was having a stroke.  She called my sister, Jan who told Dad to take Mom to the hospital because she could be having a stroke.

While recovering from her stroke, Mom became very depressed.  One day when I was sitting with her she talked about dying.  She said that at the most she had ten more years to live.  She told me about the will and everything.

I have such a tremendous warmth in my heart when I think of Mom.  The last time I saw her she was paralized, unable to move anything except her eyes and her right arm.  She was trapped in there.  As much as I wanted her to be with me, I couldn't stand to see her like that.  Though that was the last time I saw her, I have other memories of her that I prefer to think about.

Goodbye Mom.  I can't wait to see you again.

Poems

My poems write pictures, images,
They tell stories,
explore feelings and
create feelings.
They express my opinion,
give my loved ones affection.
My poems are my inner self,
My creations, my legacy,
My children.

Morning When I Lived With Daddy

To early Daddy
to be stomping
grunting your hahm grunts.
spoons on saucers
scooting chairs scratch
kitchen floors

Lie still, my body,
the sheets around are ice.
Lie still while Daddy's eggs
are soft boil bouncing
Lie still until the sun xhines.

To Steve

When you were my baby brother
I watched your eys,
marbles under skin pink lids
sliding     
              from side
to side

Stephen Edward sleeping

I couldn't wait to know him
taller than me.
to hear a deep voice in the other room.
but I didn't expect you to park you Kawasaki
in the lliving room.

Berrett's Words

A three year olds doll fingers
grinning across the hard surface
of his mom's pregnant tummy

I think
             I feel it
                          playin'
with it's toys.

Invisible

Even as a child,
sitting on the floor with
other children,
Even though we were sitting together,
I felt alone and invisible.
The teacher told us to go outside,
Suddenly,
All the children
were running over the top of me.
All I could see was legs
In front of my face.
"It is true."
I thought to myself,
"I am invisible."

Lovers Lane

The winding road
led to the top of the hill
covered with yellow weeds.
There was a look out point,
in the cool night air,
beneath the stars,
looking over the city lights.
What's missing?
Can you think of anything more lonely
than being by yourself
at lover's lane?

Sweet

Some people try to hard
to be sweet.
Too much sweet
can make people sick.
Sweet people run around,
smiling, bubblie
complimenting and kissing
with their red lipstick,
Curly hair and ruffled shirts.
Hugging everybody.
Smelling of cheap perfume.
Sweeter than chocolate
and much to much of it.
Yuk! Too Sweet!

Listen

Looking out of my window
I could see the ocean
covered with fog
Smelling of sea salt.
I could hear distant horn.
Listen to the peace.

The Sunset

Looking over the ocean
I can see the edge of the earth.
with colors of orange, yellows and brown
The clouds are strung across the sea
The sun, a big orange ball
gradually sinks below the edge of the earth
until it disappears
the world is dark for another night.

Award

I recently received an award for winning my battle with mental illness.  I think that puts me in a position to offer advice.

If you are having mental health issues, you don't have to be on the verge of death to ask for help.  There is nothing to be ashamed of..  If you think you can't do it, do it anyway. 

Chaos

So many thoughts in my head,
I can't listen.
Everybody in my head
is confused,
jumbling around
speeding,
too much talking,
making me nervous
and tearful.

Going Around

We were going around together
'cause we were having fun,
and we kept going around together
Feeling dizzy.
One by one they stepped off
to an outreached hand
that led them to true love.
I kept going around
even though it wasn't fun anymore,
waiting for someone
to offer their hand.

Preparing to Give My Speech

I must stand straight, still and strong
and pray that in my weakness
I don't tremble to death,
or crumble like a raw egg
when squeezed
crackling squashed and slimy.
melt around the pulpit
Not in front of all those people.

Inside

Please don't make me
go out of my room.
I'm scared.
People are mean
they pick on each other
and gossip.
I could deal with it,
but it's easier to hide in my room.
inside myself.

My Best Friend

After your death,
The void you left
was filled with other people.
like beach water
fills the empty footprints
in the sand.
and yet
you will always be
my best friend

Babies

I was twelve years old,
Sitting on the grass, Indian style.
I was thinking about having babies.
I didn't understand
How a baby would grow
In a woman's belly.
I figured it was a blessing
From Heavenly Father
That happens when
Women grow up and
Get married.
I had names for those babies
That never happened.
Sometimes, things don't happen
As planned.

Sneackers The Cat

My old cat
I know you are hurting
That you can't see or hear well.
You are not able to run in fear
When you are startled.
My companion for 18 years
I don't know how long we have.
Purring as I stroke you silky black & white coat,
Reaching out with you white paw,
As if to say "Scratch my head and my belly."
Sensuous in your old age
You old devil
I love you.

The Blizzard

It was a blizzard.  I had a night class at the University of Utah.  As I was getting ready to go Mom said, ":You can't go out in that."  I was 20 years old and thought I was indistructable.  As Mom was urging me to stay home, I grabbed the car keys and went out.

As I drove up the hill towards the U, it was a white out.  I couldn't see anything but snow coming down.  The road was slushy and my tires began to spin.  The car slid onto the sidewalk.  I was stuck.  A man came along and told me that  would not be able to get off the sidewalk till morning.  He asked me if I wanted to stay with his mother who lived near by.  At the lady's apartment, I called my mother and told her that the car was on the sidewalk and I wouldn't be able to get it off until morning.  She was furious.  She yelled asking, "Is the car allright?" "The cars allright Mom." I answered.  "I'm OK too.  Arem't you glad I'm OK." " I'm worried about the car." she proclaimed.

I spent the night.  Next morning the car was fine and I drove it home..

Survivng and More

As a child, I was very shy.  My parents later told me that when I was three years old, I wouldn't talk to anyone but them.  In elementary school, at recess, I felt invisible and lonely.

During puberty, I started thinking about inflicting pain on myself.  I experimented a little, but didn't have much of a problem until years later.  When I was a teenager I knew there was something wrong, but I was afraid to tell anybody.

I started having suicidal thoughts and hearing voices when I was in my twenties.  I lived alone in California.  After acting on the thoughts a few times, I realized I needed help.  My first hospitalization was in 1974.  They immediately put me on psychiatric medicine.  The side effects were similar to having Parkinson's Disease.  I was miserable, but always took my medicine.

Following my hospital stay, I saw a psychiatrist and attended day treatment.  I was able to keep my job.
I had four hospitalizations in the next two years.  I was curious about my diagnosis, which my psychiatrist said was schizo affective disorder.  It means psychosis accompanied by a depressed or manic affect.

I continued to attempt suicide once in a while. I took a massive overdose and woke up in ICU.  My parents found out and came down from Utah to bring me home.

The talking in my head, plus paranoid thoughts made it difficult to hold down a job.

During the 1980's, because of self distructive episodes and suicide attemprs, I spent more time in hospitals and crises centers than I did at home.  I had three stays at the Utah State Hospital.  In the year 1984, I was only out of the hospital two months out of the whole year.  I had twelve ects (shock treatments) and was on large amounts of medicine.

In 1994, I was on a crisis stay when I was approved to take the new medicine chlozatil.  The difference was like night and day.  All that stuff in my head just went away.  I haven't even one crisis stay or hospitalization since.

I live in a mental health apartment.  I keep getting better and better.  I get encouragement from the staff and other residents.  I have become sociable and have made friends.  I can do things that I never knew I could do.  I am working as a peer mentor.  I lead a group.  When we lost our transportation, I felt like I had to do something.  I worked daily to find alternatives for people.

I have written a book and one of my stories has been published.  I am a survivor and more.

An Old Flame

"This is our home.  We have to get along."one lady said,  "I was here first, I want to sit here," another person said.  The senior citizens were arguing as they do sometimes did at the assisted living center.

Suzie was single, always had been.  She had boyfriends, but lost her heart to Jacob Freebie.  She just never cared about anyone else.  Here she was 78 years old with no children.  She had some neices and nephews who thought she was charming.  They had their own lives and didn't come around very often.  She had found some friends at the living center.  She enjoyed the programs and activities.

One Saturday, they were having a folk singer perform.  Suzie wasn't paying much attention until they announced the name of the man who would be singing.  They said "Jacob Freebie."  Her mouth dropped open.  Being embarrassed, she grabbed her walker and got out of there as fast as she could go.

Lunch was right after the performance.  Suzie was sitting at her table eating her salad.  Jacob went into the dining room and approached her saying, "I noticed you left when they said my name. Do I know you?"
Suzie replied,  "You are much to young to be the Jacob Freebie I know."  "I am Jacob Freebie jr." "My father was about your age." "Well, don't tell him where I am.  He probably doesn't remember me anyway."

Days and weeks and months went by.  Life was the same as ever at the living center.  At dinner, Suzie found a piece of candy on her plate.  She thought that was strange. It happened every day at dinner.  Apparently, one of the servers had been paid to put candy on her plate.  Then one evening a bouquet of flowers came with her name on it.  Suzie realized what was going on.  Jacob jr had told Jacob Sr.

Just thinking of him brought many emotions.  She wanted to know who he had married and if they were still together.  With the address on the card, she got ahold of Jacob Sr.  She asked him about his wife.  He said that she had passed away in her sixties.  " Could you come see me?"Suzie asked, "We have some unfinished business.

Suzie was napping when Jacob knocked on her door.  She was startled.  "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."  "You're looking pretty good."" What are you now? I your late 70's.""Yes." She replied."Are you in your 80's."We are both looking good." "I could loose some weight and you could grow some hair on top.

"Do you realize how my life changed because of you?"I thought you were perfect and everything was my fault.""When I think back on it, I don't know how you live with yourself." "You had no respect for me and didn't care that you were hurting me.""I've had a lot of boyfriends since you left."I couldn't commit myself, because I hadn't gotten over you."Jacob flirtingly said, "We're both still alive.  Maybe we could share our last years together.""You're such a jerk" Suzie resounded."Did you really think I would fall for that again.  "Allright, I'm sorry.  I really am."If you change your mind, you've got my number."

During the next little while, Suzie would get out the phone number and look at it.  She was so tempted to call him.  She wanted to know more about him.  She didn't want to get involved with him.  He was kind of distinguished looking.  Though she knew better, she was still attracted to him.  She made the call.

He was willing to meet and talk.  She reminded him that she didn't want to get involved.  She just wanted to know him.

He took her to a nice restaurant.  Tension filled the room.  She couldn't look at him without getting embarrassed.  She felt clumsy and didn't want to make eye contact.  He on the other hand was very calm, acting l like he had been in these situations before.  He took a sip of his water and said, "So, how have you been?"He too started to feel uncomfortable."OK." Suzie replied.  The was a cold restlass silence.  Breaking the silence, Jacob asked,  "What have you been doing for forty years?" "I need to ask you the same question."she replied."What do you do for a living?"  I am retired now.  I used to work for a home nursing service as a physical therapist." he answered. "Did you like your work?"  The questioning was getting very uncomfortable.  She didn't really want to know about the last forty years.  She jumped in and demanded,"Did you love your wife?"Surprised, he squirmed around and finally answered.  "I did at first.  I married her.  We had children together."  "Did you get along?"He replied, "We did at first.  Honestly, I stepped out on her."I tried to repent when my wife died."I still feel guilty."I feel guilty about hurting you also."

"I know what guilt feels like."Unlike you , my guilt wouldn't let me get close to anyone else."

"So, here we at the last of our mortal ives."Jacob announced. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Just kiss me goodbye." she answered. 

      

Training Wheels

The time has come to jump into the swimming pool.
to climb your first cliff
to fall down.
The time has come to quit
waiting for someone to pick you up.
Big brother says,
I'll give you wheels
a bicycle,
if you promise to take off the training wheels.

Hurtful Words

My words thrown at you ignite
in your hand.
burning like a hot potatoe
that turns into a ball of fire.
You threw them back at me.
My words that weren't meant to hurt
explode in my hand.
I wish could crumble like ashes
and be scattered with the wind.
If I had just thought before
throwing out those words
in the first place.

Connected in a Dream

I was diagnosed as having bladder cancer after having blood in my urine for several years.  At first I didn't believe it was cancer, but after my first biopsy, I accepted it.  I had chemotherapy for what seemed like a year.  I wasn't difficult.  I didn't get sick, because they put it in my bladder.  I just wasn't supposed to urinate for two hours after the treatment.  One day when I went in the nurse told me that it actually worked on somebody.  That didn't make me feel better.

De. Jensen told me that the chemo wasn't working, that I needed surgery to remove my bladder.  He said it was a very difficul surgery.  I needed to prepare for it.  The first thing I did was tell my family.  Yvonne from Virginia and Marlene from Idaho, came to be with me.

The day before my surgery they knocked on my door.  They wanted to go shopping.  I couldn't go so they went and bought me a whole bunch of cloths.

The next day, we arrived at the hospital early in the morning.  The anesthesiologist asked me about my previous illness.  I had quite a list. Yvonne and Marlene wanted to know what COPD meant.  I was embarrassed, because it is caused by smoking.  I told them it is a combination of emphysema and chronic bronchitis.  The doctor said that my surgery would last 9 hours.  Alarmed I asked, "Am I going to live?"
Dr. Jenson came in and poked around my bellly, saying that I may loose my belly button.  I thought I could live with that, if I was to live.

The surgery lasted 9 hours.  They didn't do it right, so I had to go back into surgery.

I think I was in ICU.  For the first two or three weeks, I don't think I was fully conscious.  I kept trying to get out of bed and leave, but I had no idea where I was going.  I remember the nurse moistening my lips with a tiny sponge.  I had seen them do that to my mother when she was dying.  I was lying there peacefully when the nurse pulled back my sheet and said, "Oh my!"

The next while was like a bad dream.  My friends were talking to me outside my window.  Some of them jumped off the roof.  My best friend jumped out of the Life Flight Helicopter.  When I told my Aunt Maxine that she had sent all my belongings to Arizona,  She said, "Do you find that amusing?"  The nurse asked me if I was oriented.  I thought, "I'f I'm not oriented, how will I know."

I wasn't sure whether or not I was in isolation, but the doctors that came in said they specialized in infectious disease.  I figured I must have contacted some kind of infectious disease.

To my surprise, when I tried to move my leg I discovered that I was in restraints.  I got scared.  I thought if there was a fire I wouldn't be able to get out.  I asked the attendant to take off my restraints and she did.  I don't know where I thought I was going, but I got out of bed.  My legs collapsed.  As I fell down I thought I was dying.

Then I heard my sister Jan singing to me.  It was so pretty and peaceful.  I just laid there listening.  I didn't worry about anything.

Jan was in Russia at that time. Her husband was doing volunteer work there for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  Jan had been fasting and praying for me.  She wanted to see me but thought it was impossible.  Then she thought, "Maybe I could call the airline and find out how much it would cost."  They told her that since she already had a ticket to Detroit, they could just add on Salt Lake City and there would be no charge.

Back in Utah, I woke up.  The nurse said, "Kathy, it's Saturday," The phone rang.  It was my sister Yvonne calling to tell me that Jan was on her way to see me.  A couple of days later, Jan walked in to my room.  It was like a miracle.

Easter Poem

Thank you, my family,
for teaching me to pray.
Thanks for baptising me,
so that I could receive
the gift of the Holy Ghost,
that guides me on my way.

I quit listening
to that still,small voice.
I was lost.

Things became dark and wicked.
clearly the wrong choice.
As I laid in my deep, dark muddy hole
I remembered Jesus.
I can't imagine how he took on
all of our sins,
but he did.

I didn't feel worthy.
I trembled in fear.
I whispered a prayer.
He reached out his hand
and pulled me near.

He held me near and comforted me.
It didn't seem fair
for him to suffer as he did and die
for us sinners.
His love was that strong.

Little People

Looking from above,
we look like llittle people
that scurry around our world
that we have built, grown and decorated.
millions of us
tripping over each other
trying to make things better.

We pass from this world
one at a time
and we weep with every passing.
We leave an empty space
that with time fills in.

Poverty

Have you ever stood in line at the food bank?
Wore holy shirts and shoes.
Not had anything to wear while you wash your pants
Searched the dumpster for dinner
Slept where ever because the shelter was full.
Because the rich need a tax break and now
They are trying to make money
Off the disabled.
It's a sin
And it makes me sick.

My Big Brother

"Don't mess with me.  I've got a big brother who is 6 feet tall and he's strong."  I always bragged about Bill.  He used to chase me through the house.  Once I ran into his bedroom.  I went in backwards.  I meant to fall back on his bed.  I didn't know he had moved his bed.  The floor was cement and it hurt when I hit my head.

I was playing badmitton with him one day.  He picked up a frog and put it on his racket.  Swinging the racket he sent the frog flying towards me.  I quickly swung my racket at the frog.  When the frog hit my racket, it went all to pieces.  Bill screamed at me,"You weren't supposed to hit him.  You killed him."  "Oh no," I cried  "I'm a murderer."

When I was 7 years old, Bill was teasing me with a paddle ball.  He was trying to hit me with the ball.  I was wiggling around on the couch.  Someone had left a kitchen knife on the couch.  It went into my leg.  I felt some pain, but I didn't realize I was hurt until I saw the blood.  "You stabbed me!"I yelled.  Bill quickly put a tourniquet on my leg.  He learned how to do that in boy scouts.  He felt terrible.  I stayed mad at him for a long time, but later realized that it was an accident.  I forgave him a long time ago.

Humor

When my insides were jumping
A rapid heart beat that wanted
To blow up my rib cage.

I wanted to poke a hole
In my crampy belly
To release the pressure.
When my head was ordering me
To die.

I expected you to talk softly
of peace and calmness.
Instead you found humor in my circumstance.
As we laughed at funny stories,
Both she and I recited.
I realized that the anxiety was gone.
RELIEF!

Stories

We all have our stories
Our little glimpses of our life.
We tell them over and over again.
Different stories, different people.
Stories of love, hate, adventure,
Stupidity and ingenious.
Are my stories any better than yours?
Do we just tell more people?
Is the way we present them more interesting?
Do people pretend to like them
Out of courtesy.
Are they scarey or funny or exciting?
Or are they just plain boring?

Having Babies

If I had a baby,
what would it look like?
Boy or girl,
light hair or dark hair.
Would it look like me?
What would I name it?

I have wondered these things
since I was 11 years old.
I didn't understand
how the baby would
grow in it's mother's belly.
I thought that Heavenly Father put it there
when a woman got married.

I am in my sixties.
I have a womb
that has always been empty.
I could feel bad for never having
the experience of giving birth,
but when I look back on my life,
clouded by mental illness.
I couldn't raise a baby.
It wouldn't be fair
to the innocent child.

Inside

Please don't make me
go out of my room.
I'm scared,
People pick on each other
and gossip, saying hurtful things.
I could handle it,
but I'd rather just
hide inside my room.
inside myself.

The Cold

He said he loved me
and oh, how I fell for him,
but when he got to know me,
he changed his mind.
It felt like he took a dagger
made of ice
and stuck it in my chest.
leaving a big, cold, hole in my chest.
I have never riskes love again.
I used to think that I ruined his life,
but in reality he ruined mine.
It took me forty years to realize
that I was angry.
Maybe the heat of anger
can help me heal.

Socializing

I grew up thinking I was
the least talkative,
the most bashful and shy
to the extreme.

When I shared that
the response was that
many people feel the same way.

Surprisingly,
some people who I thought
were gregarious socialites
thought they had no friends.
They too thought they were shy.

Could it be that I am really outgoing.

A Single Cell

I started out as a single cell from my mother,
joined with a single cell from my father.
The cells held genes that make me uniquely me.
I have always wondered why I am me.
I have some talents and some xhortcomings.
Why didn't I ever marry
or have children?
Why was I born with tendancies
to physical and mental illness.
Did my spirit choose my body, my genes
If I had a chance to choose
to be someone else.
Honestly,
I think I would like that.

Surviving the River

We had been taken by the current down the river.
My friend grabbed my arm.
In fear she hung on tight,
so tight it hurt. I let her hang on.
The water was cold and fast.
The boulders rumbled as they
bumped together.
She kept hanging on..

Being weak and tired
I knew that if she continued
to hang on to me,
we would both be taken downstream,
Never to return.
I could have pryed her loose
to save myself,
but I wanted her to be safe also...

I would teach her to stay afloat
by herself.
Then we could each save ourselves.

Hi!

Hi! I'm schizophrenic.  Glad to meet you.  I'm depressed.  My friend is a borderline personality.  I'd like you to meet anxiety.  He's hyperactuve.  Well, what about me? I'm agoraphobic.
I am diabetic, meet cancer and heart disease.

Now that you've met all my personalities let's end with cardiac arrest..

Offending Men

Sometimes I say the wrong thing.  I can think of three separate times when an innocent remark ended a relationship.

After breaking up with my fiance, Derek, a gur named Ricky took a liking to me.  He was cute and nice.  Being on the rebound, I couldn't stop feeling sorry for myself.  All my thoughts were about Derek.

Ricky was interesting.  He told me that his mother had been married seven times.  I don't know how many children she had.  With a background like that, I questioned Ricky's ability to have a relationship.  He told me that he was on psychiatric medicine.  I knew absolutely nothing about mental illness.  He asked me if I took anything.  When I was twenty I went to the doctor and told him I was nervous.  He gave me some little green pills.  That particular doctor lost his liscinse to practice medicine, because he wrote perscriptions to drug addicts.  Ricky said they may have been haldol.  I only tried them once.  Nothing happened.

Ricky took me to meet his brothers and sisters.  His brother had been experimenting with drugs.  He said he was on heroin.

I was living with my aunt and uncle, Royal and Maxine.  He came to their house to pick me up.  Whenever a guy would come there to pick me up for a date,  Maxine and Royal would interrogate him.  The usaually asked them about their last name, their relatives, where they worked, and their education.  Ricky told them that his mother was married seven times.  That was interesting enough that they didn't ask any more questions.

After picking me up, we drove around.  We ended up behind the capitol on Lovers Lane.  It seems like every city has a Lovers Lane.  The Salt Lake valley is especially beautiful when it is lit up.  Ricky asked me,
What are you thinking about?"I replied, "Derek".

Ricky didn't say a word.  He started up the car and drove me home as fast as he could.  I never heard from him again.

Holding up the Wall

When I was a little girl
at school, during recess,
I wandered around the asphalt playground
covered with litter.
As I was bouncing my ball
I felt conspicuosly alone.

I noticed a little girl, very pretty
leaning against the wall.
She looked as lonely as I felt.

I walked up to her
and said "Hi!"
She didn't answer me.
I thought we could be lonely together.
so I leaned against the wall
by her side.

Two lonely children
Holding up the wall.

Journey

I have holes in my shoes
not from age
but from walking and walking for so long
My clothes are tattered
My skin is red.
I am worn and gaunt
I feel like I won't reach my destination.
I cry for help
and I wait a long time
I look up and see people
concerned and awed at what they see.
They scramble around
trying to figure out how to revive me.
After some nourishment
and kind words
I slowly regain my strength
and I am on my way to try again.