Testimony

A chapel
like any other
furnished with benches, a piano and an organ
and a pulpit.

It was testimony meeting.
One by one people got up to express their feelings
about the gospel and their blessings.

This testimony meeting
a lady in a wheelchair
wheeled herself up to the front of the congregation
Her body was crooked and deformed.
She couldn't hold her head up and
had a hard time speaking.
She had cerebral palsy.
but when she spoke
we all understood.
She said, "I am so thankful for the gospel
and for my knowledge of the resurrection.
I know that when I am resurrected
I will have a perfect body
to live in forever.
I can't wait.

Dark

When I was a young girl
I tried to imagine my future.
All I could see was darkness.
I was afraid.
As I grew into that adulthood
Which I had wondered about,
I handled many situations

The darkness, a shadow
That incircled me
Like a disease, grew,
Until it surrounded me.
I was confused
Preoccupied with the talking and thoughts
In my head,
I didn't know if it was day or night.

As I try to imagine my life
In the hereafter,
I see the same darkness that
Frightened me when I was young,
Even though whenever I have come close
To going to the other side,
Either by illness or action,
I have experienced a peace
Greater than any peace
I have ever known before.

The Ranch

I had been dating Don for a couple of months when he told me that he told me that he came from a polygamist family.  He didn't expect me to keep going out with him, neither did I.  I stopped seeing him for about a month, but I missed him and was terribly lonely, so  I went to see him.  We started dating again.

He was a mechanic and never showered after a greasy days work.  He had shortcomings, but I still liked him.
He had four siblings.  His mother was married to a polygamist.
The kids were always talking about the ranch.  They said it was a hundred years old.  They liked going there.  I imagined a large house on a piece of land with horses and other animals.

The family was going there to do some dear hunting.  Don asked me to go.  We drove for hours on the desert.  It seemed like hundreds of mile, far away from everything escept sage brush.  We came to  an old adobe shack.  This was the ranch.  There was no electricity or running water.

When night came, the darkness was thick.  We could see absolutely nothing.

My bed was a sleeping bag on top of a straw mattress.  As I laid there, I heard what sounded like rats running and chewing in the walls.  I could hear one right above my head.  Suddenly, the cat jumped on the bed and leaped up to the wall above my head.  The cat then went down by my feet.  I could hear what sounded like bones being chewed.  When I woke up in the morning, there was a rats head on my sleeping bag.
Don and I eventually broke up.

Getting old

I am in my sixties.
I have been worried
about getting old,
since I was in my twenties.

It is here
I am wrinkled.
I have what looks like
a turtles neck.
My joints hurt.
I can't get out of the bathtub.
I can't remember where I put
anything.

I wish I could push a button
and delite old age.

On Dad's Lap

I knew Dad was home,
when I smelled popcorn popping.
I loved it when my dad came home.
He came home every Friday
after driving truck all week.

I would sit on his lap
and eat popcorn,
while watching the fights
on TV.

I would get so excited
that I would get physically sick,
but it was worth it to be
with my dad.

Listen To The Sea

My car was parked on a cliff
above the sea
The sound of the
White foam capped waves
Crashing against steep black rocks,
Made me feel peaceful and calm.
I woud lean my head back,
Breathe deep
And listen to the sea

I no longer live by the beach.
So, when I need to relax
I just pretend,
and I am there again.

My friend Judy

I haven't talked to my family very much about Judy.  Partly because of the way she looks.  Single women are often mistaken for being homosexual anyway.

She gets kind of moody and doesn't make sense sometimes, making it hard to be around her.  Her family is afraid that she will want to live with them.

I met Judy in 1979 at a day treatment program through mental health.  Everyday when she saw me she would ask, "Kathy, how's Sam?" Sam was our families cat.  Sam disappeared after my parents put out rat poison.  "When I saw Judy she asked, "How's Sam?"  I told her that Sam was gone and that I didn't want to talk about him anymore.
She understood.

I had planned to go to the movies with my friend Melva, but Melva changed her mind.  Judy was standing there, so I asked her to go.  She was thrilled.  After that, Judy followed me everywhere I went.  We talked about things like Howdy Doody, The Mickey Mouse Club and 50's TV shows, like Hop a Long Cassidy and the Lone Ranger.

I never dreamed we would end up rooming together.  During the 1980's I spent a lot of time in and out of hospitals and the halfway house.  During all that I moved in with the two Judys, Judy Mangum and Judy Fleming.  It was very hectic and confusing.

After my second visit to the State Hospital, I moved in with Barrie Fleming, Judy's little sister.  She lived with me for a while, then moved in with her boyfriend.  At about the same time Judy Fleming got pregnant and was sent to the State Hospital.  Judy Mangum and I moved in together.

We had some rocky times.  I ended up back in the State Hospital.  After I got out I went to live with Judy.  Neither one of us was doing very well.

I decided to get my own apartment.  Mom told me not to ever let Judy spend the night, because she would never leave.  Mom was right.  An overnight stay lasted 17 years.

When I got cancer, I could no longer take care of Judy.  She now lives at the Golden Living Center.

Judy has a family that visits her once or twice a year.  Other than that, she has no one but me.

I can't abandon her.

Back Yard

Under the smooth, warm sunshine.
of my lazy green back yard,
the grass brushed by the wind
shivers across my ears,
whispering soft calm.

An ant living there
hikes among among
it forest green blades,
crawls over damp sticks,
runs to survive the earthquake
I just made

Happy Anniversary Bill and Joan

I was sleeping when I heard a familiar voice in the living room.  I got excited because I knew it was my big brother Bill coming home from the army.

I told everyone in my sixth grade class about my brother coming home.  I was wearing a pretty necklace he had given me.  I felt terrible when it broke.

My memories of Bill were filled with him chasing me and teasing me.  He helped me with my animals, bandaging Harvey, the dog's leg and helping my cat have kittens.  He was always working on his car.  He let me ride in it once.

I don't remember how long Bill stayed with us after the army.  I do know that he went from there to Provo, Utah to attend BYU.

He sent us a letter telling us that he had found a girl that he wanted to marry.  After about a month, we got another letter saying that he had found another girl he wanted to marry.  This girl was beautiful and sophisticated.  She was 5'9".  He never told us what happened to the other girl he wanted to marry.  He seemed to think that he had found the perfect mate.

I came home from school one day and there they were.  Bill had his arms around Joan.  They were standing in the hall.  Being struck by her beauty, I ran straight to the phone to call my friend.  She answered the phone and I blurted, "She's pretty!"

From the moment I saw her, I idolized her.  She became my hero.  I wanted to be just like her.  As a teenager, I got to know her.  She was very easy to talk to and seemed interested.  By the time I grew up, she became like another sister except special because she was an in law.

Joe Blow

He was bald on top, but had long grey hair on the sides. His long grey beard had pieces of lunch in it. He found it difficult to walk down the hallway to the emergency room. The floors seemed to wave and his legs didn't want to carry him.

The clerk, Mandy, working at the desk grabbed his arm and helped him into the chair. She asked him his name. "Whatcha say?" he asked. "What's your name?" "Joe." he replied. "Joe Blow." "Oh, C'mon. What's your real name?" "That is my real name." he replied.

"You need a picture ID and an insurance card." "Don't have either one." he announced. "What about Medicare? Do you have a Medicare card?" "I'm not that old. I'm only 59. I don't have Medicare." "What's your address?" I don't exactly have an address. I sleep under the bridge." "I have to check with my supervisor."

Mandy went to her supervisor Mr. Kirby. He grumbled, "Is this some kind of a joke? Does he really think we believe him? Go back and get the truth out of him." Walking in the office Mandy said, "Joe Blow, you don't have any ID. You don't have and insurance card or address. Your not making this easy." "What are you going to do about it.?"

Mr. Kirby heard the conversation and barged in. "You're not funny. This is a hospital. You need us, but we help you if you don't cooperate. This is serious."  The old man yelled back "I'll show you what's serious.  I'll knock your block off."  Mr Kirby called security."  "I feel dizzy." The old man complained.  "I guess we should call the nursing supervisor." said Mr. Kirby.

Soon in the room was Mandy, Mr. Kirby, the nursing supervisor, two security officers and Mr. Joe Blow.  They all started talking at once saying that he would not identify himself or give an address.  One of the security gaurds offered to show him to the door.  "You can't do that." the nurse exclaimed.  We don't even know what's wrong with him.  He's probably sick." "What's wrong with him is that he is an onry old man."  Mr. kirby said.  When the nurse put the blood pressure cuff on him, the old man collapsed.  They grabbed a gurney and rushed him into the emergency room.  They tried to revive him, but were unable.

DNA testing showed that he was a transcient named Joseph Blough.

Mom

I thought I could write about my mom, but when I think about her, how much she loved me,the things I put her through, the times I angered her, dissappointed her and worried her. No matter how horrid or sad it was. She was always there for me.

In her hospital bed, after her stroke, she couldn't move anything except her right arm and hand, and her eyes. She held on to my hand so tight to let me know that she knew I was there.

Oh Mom, I love you. I didn't want you to leave me. At the same time, I couldn't stand to see you lying there trapped in a body that didn't work.

Your physical body left me. but your spirit will always be by my side.

I Miss You Mom

I miss my mom.
I miss her holding me
When I was a baby.
I miss her singing to me.
I miss her nervous laugh when
She was embarrassed.
As I grew, she taught me to
Act like a lady.
She was outspoken and cared
about everything and everybody.
I made her worry way too much.
I remember coming home
at three in the morning.
She would be wrapped up in a
blanket waiting for me.
I'm sorry Mom.
I love you.

Goodbye

Stand tall
In my doorway
Wrap your comfort over mine
Let me sink into your chest.
Last goodbye.

Your Smile

Your smile inside my house again.
Can we believe that we have apart?
In that space of time remembered.
An evenings journey into sleep.

The Passed

Live in the present
I've been told.
If you spend time
in the past,
you rob yourself of today

I am a senior citizen
I spend most of my time
with other senior citizens.
We are a friendly, pleasant group
Though sometimes we get cranky
and we get in little spats
That's OK
I love to connect with their pleading eyes,
hoping for a smile and a wave.
I love to visit with them,
Listen to their stories
that filled their past.

Sometimes their precious spirits
slip away
and they are just gone
forever
Their space is vacant

The past that I am building now
holds these lovely people
It's worth remembering.

Saving Sneakers

We got Sneakers when he was three months old. He was a cute little black and white kitten. We originally named him Snickers, but because of his white paws, we decided to call him Sneakers

When we first got him he was terrified. He wouldn't go by anyone. I tried to warm up to him with tuna fish, but he wouldn't be coaxed. One morning I woke up and sneakers was at the bottom of my bed. When he noticed I was awake he meowed at me. He became affectionate after that.

When he was about six months old he started wanting to go outside. We figured he was probably looking for a girlfriend. We got him fixed. He was very upset and cried all day.

He still liked to go outside sometimes. One day when he was out, I went looking for him. I heard him crying in the parking lot and found him underneath a car. I pulled him out he was covered with grease. He needed a bath, but he didn't want one. We did it somehow. Judy held him in the bathtub and I washed him with shampoo. Judy and I have battle scars.

One night Sneakers had been outside for a long time. It was getting late and we were getting worried. When I opened the door I could hear him crying. Sneakers has a cry that is his alone. I couldn't see him anywhere. Judy pointed at the roof. There he was crying because he couldn't get down.

A teen aged boy said he could climb up there and get Sneakers. He got up there, but couldn't catch Sneakers. It was late and we thought Sneakers might find his way down.

The next day he was still up there. We called the fire department. They said it was too dangerous to send their men up there after a cat.

I walked around the building to see how Sneakers got up there. There was a big tree that was close enough to the roof that a cat could jump to the roof. The limbs of the tree were to small for a cat on the roof to jump on them.

We called animal services they were no help, saying they had no equipment to catch him.

It had been three days and four nights. Sneakers was still up there. It was the middle of June. Poor Sneakers must have been burning hot.

I couldn't stand to hear him cry. I tried to climb on the hand rail, but couldn't. One of our neighbors came over saying that we should put some water and food up there. I thought it was a good idea, so I filled his dishes. The neighbor climbed on the handrail and set the food and water on the roof. I got a chair, a wooden box and two cushions off the couch, stacked them on each other, then climbed on them. As Sneakers started drinking the water, I told my neighbor to grab him. He grabbed him and handed him to me. I let him jump out of my hands on to the stairs. He ran straight into the apartment and ran under the bed. All the neighbors were cheering. In just a couple of minutes he came to me, rubbing his head on my leg, as if to say THANK YOU.

Being Shy

What's the matter? Has the cat got your tongue?
Everyone said that to me when I was four years old.
I had visions of a cat's head in my mouth
Biting my tongue.
A horrible thought.
As I held on to my daddy's leg,
everyone was laughing.
I didn't need people pointing out my shyness.
Being painfully bashfull,
I spent most of my life
Alone and lonely.

Fishing

Springtime in Redding was fun.
We lived in a pink house,
At the bottom of some yellow hills.
A creek rolled past us.
I was about 9 years old.
I liked to run through the field
With it's crackley weeds.
I chased butterflies
And collected spiders.
I used to tear heads
Off of grasshoppers.
The wild flowers
colored the field.
I loved to pick them
And give them to my mom.

The creek fascinated me.
I sat on a rock with my feet
Dangling and splashing
As I wiggled my toes.
I was watching tadpoles.
Some of them were growing legs.
They were turning into frogs.

I saw a fish in the middle of the creek bed.
I balanced myself while I stood up slowly,
Hanging on to the round slippery rocks
With my toes.
I stood above the fish
With my legs spread apart.
I didn't really think that
I could catch that fish.
But I would try.
I bent over trying to keep my balance.
I reached down and grabbed it.
It slipped through my fingers.
I kept grabbing and splashing
And amazingly keeping my balance.
I finally was able to hang on to him.
I took him home for my mom to cook.
She said,"That's just an old carp.
Garbage fish."
I thought to myself,
"I risked my life on those slippery rocks
to catch a garbage fish!"

Having Babies

If I had a baby,
what would it look like?
Boy or girl,
light hair, dark hair
no hair.
Would it look like me?
What would I name it?

I have wondered these things
since I was eleven years old.
I couldn't understand how
the baby would grow in it's mother's belly.
I thought that heavenly father put it there.

I am in my sixties
I have a womb
that has always been empty.

I could feel bad
for never having the experience
of giving birth,
but when I look back on my life,
clouded by mental illness
I know that I couldn't raise a baby.
I would not be fair for the innocent child.

Searching For Peace

Who are You?
You in my head.
Where did you come from?
Who is in control?
Did you want to own me?
Would I let you?
Could I stop you?

My mind had
So many broken thoughts.
I couldn't stand it.
I wanted to die.

Nobody knew what was wrong with me.
Some people thought I was faking.

Yet, after all these years
Of torment and hard work.
I have survived.

The Grey

Late in the grey
of the winter.
He went away.
Back in nineteen hundred
And several years ago

He told me to find another
But we knew
And it's true that I wouldn't.

Now it's late in the grey
Of the winter
And my head is as grey
As the day
That passes away.

Kisses

When I was in elementary school, we wore dresses to school.  It could be embarrassing while climbing on the monkey bars.  I liked the swing.  I would see how high I could go and had visions of going over the top.

As I was swinging, I started wondering why adults liked to kiss each other.  I wanted to find out what it was like to kiss a boy.  I saw my little red headed friend, Wayne Manning across the playground.  I jumped out of the swing into the sand and yelled,  "I'm gunna kiss you Wayne Manning!"  I chased him all around the playground.  I knew I could catch him.  I tackled him and planted a kiss on his lips.  It felt kind of warm and wet. "What was so great about that?" I thought to myself. "I don't understand adults, especially movie stars with their Hollywood kisses."

Life on Earth

It starts when two cells
get together and multiply
growing into a mass,
that turns into an embryo
that turns into a baby.
As we grow
we become children
Living in a world
covered with millions of living things.
Seeing some for the first time.
Our minds learn and grow
we are in the middle
between children and young adults
As we grow up
Each of us has our unique experiences
that shape our whole person.
When we pass from this existance
into the next,
If one of my angel friends
askes me, "What did you think
of your life on Earth."
I will answer
"Interesting, but too short."

Jealousy

Her jealosy was a blaze
as big as the orange sun.
It reached out to scorch the faces
of her close ones.
They wept and left.

She was alone
burning in her rage.

Interesting Family

How did a married couple
grow such a variety of children?
From a mother of ten
to a single, never married women,
A doctor of philosophy
to a motorcycle drag race champion.
Musicians, writers and at least one artist.
Each with their own passions and temperments
Some of what we have in common is intelligence,
Humor, and a desire to be helpful.
The important thing is
that we love and adore each other.

Getting Old

I am in my sixties
I have been worried
about getting old
since I was in my twenties.

It is here.
I am wrinkled
I have a turtle neck
that isn't a sweater.
My joints hurt.
I can't get out of the bathtub.
I can't remember where I put anything.

I wish I could push a button
and delete old age.

What If

Do you ever wonder
what people say about you?
What if no one said anything
about you?
What if no one notices you at all?
Which is worse.

Unmade Bed

Alone
In the darkness
That is there
Even when I turn
The lights on

Will it happen again?

The bedroom
With unmade bed
and scattered papers
With unfinished poems.

The spooks.
The imaginary friends
who threaten to kill me.

The blood on the walls
The noose
hanging from the  light fixture.

It is not the same
My thinking is clear.
My house is clean.

Smile

Your smile inside my house again.
Can we believe that we have been apart
In that space if time remembered
an evenings journey into sleep.

Life on Earth

It starts when two cells
get together and multiply
growing into a mass
that turns into an embryo
that turns into a baby.

As we grow
we become children
living in a world
covered with millions of living things
seeing many things for the first time.

Our minds learn and grow
until we are between children
and adults.

When we are grown up
each of us has our unique experiences
that shape our whole person.

When we pass from this existance
into the next,
If one of my angel friends
asks me,  "What did you think
of your life on earth?"
I would say
"Interesting but too short."

Searching for Peace

Who are you?
You in my head.
Where did you come from?
Who is in control?
Did you want to own me?
Would I let you?
Could I stop you?

My mind had
So many broken thoughts
I couldn't stand it.
I wanted to die.

Nobody knew what was wrong with me.
Some people thought I was faking.

Yet, after all these years
Of torment and hard work
I have survived.
And found peace.