Don't bottle it up.
It will explode.
I wish it would explode
and get the hell out of my body.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Suicide
Suicidal ideation is a difficult problem for people who have a mental illness. I have struggled with it for most of my life. Looking back, I am amazed that I have survived. I fear dying in that way.
Death is final. Once it's done people can't change their minds and come back. We don't know where they are or what they are doing or if they even exist. We know that we miss them and are distraught with the reality of suicide. Before taking a risk, they need to think about people who they are leaving, who they may never see again in this life. For the people who love us it brings an agony, that doesn't go away. I'm still greiving the death of my friend, who died in 1989.
Henry's story touches my heart. Henry was an electrician. While hooking up electrical wires in a house. He made a mistake that cost him his electrician's license. When he came to ITU, he was very depressed. He felt like a failure who couldn't provide for his family.
He arrived at ITU in September. It was hard to watch him deteriorate. In November he was so depressed that I thought he would be hospitalized. He wasn't. At Christmas, he went home a pass to spend the holidays with his family. On Christmas Day, he shot himself in front of his family.
The following summer, I was attending a group at the out patient clinic. A young man was talking about hia father shooting himself in front of him on Christmas Day.
I asked, "Was your father's name Henry?"
He shook his head, "Yes."
I wanted so badly to say someting that would ease this young man's pain. I told him that I knew his father at ITU. He was a good man, but he was severly depressed. I felt horribly inadequate in this situation. The youn man asked me to be his friend. I was honored. The last time I saw him, he said that he had joined the army. I sure hope he is OK.
Death is final. Once it's done people can't change their minds and come back. We don't know where they are or what they are doing or if they even exist. We know that we miss them and are distraught with the reality of suicide. Before taking a risk, they need to think about people who they are leaving, who they may never see again in this life. For the people who love us it brings an agony, that doesn't go away. I'm still greiving the death of my friend, who died in 1989.
Henry's story touches my heart. Henry was an electrician. While hooking up electrical wires in a house. He made a mistake that cost him his electrician's license. When he came to ITU, he was very depressed. He felt like a failure who couldn't provide for his family.
He arrived at ITU in September. It was hard to watch him deteriorate. In November he was so depressed that I thought he would be hospitalized. He wasn't. At Christmas, he went home a pass to spend the holidays with his family. On Christmas Day, he shot himself in front of his family.
The following summer, I was attending a group at the out patient clinic. A young man was talking about hia father shooting himself in front of him on Christmas Day.
I asked, "Was your father's name Henry?"
He shook his head, "Yes."
I wanted so badly to say someting that would ease this young man's pain. I told him that I knew his father at ITU. He was a good man, but he was severly depressed. I felt horribly inadequate in this situation. The youn man asked me to be his friend. I was honored. The last time I saw him, he said that he had joined the army. I sure hope he is OK.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
What Crazy Feels Like
I could feel commotion in my head.
Emotions escaping through words
Which only I could hear.
Spilling over
Smothering me
Until my whole being was drenched.
Annoyed, uncomfortable and worse.
Wishing for a blanket to cover me
and bring me peace.
Emotions escaping through words
Which only I could hear.
Spilling over
Smothering me
Until my whole being was drenched.
Annoyed, uncomfortable and worse.
Wishing for a blanket to cover me
and bring me peace.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Recent Murders
In recent mass murders, even though some of the assailants were found to be psychotic, they weren't in the mental health system.
We can make sure the mentally ill take their medicine and we can lock them up if we think they are dangerous. That doesn't help people who have never been in the system. We need to educate. We need to identify these people and get them into the system. There are many signs we can look for while watching people grow. Young people need to recognize their own signs. They may grow up feeling peculiar. They may have thoughts they don't understand. They may have gruesome fantasies. We need to make it easier for them to ask for help, before a tragedy happens. At the same time, we need to fight stigma. Getting help is understandingly frightening.
We can make sure the mentally ill take their medicine and we can lock them up if we think they are dangerous. That doesn't help people who have never been in the system. We need to educate. We need to identify these people and get them into the system. There are many signs we can look for while watching people grow. Young people need to recognize their own signs. They may grow up feeling peculiar. They may have thoughts they don't understand. They may have gruesome fantasies. We need to make it easier for them to ask for help, before a tragedy happens. At the same time, we need to fight stigma. Getting help is understandingly frightening.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Survival
These are paragraphs out of my book, "Surviving and More."
I discovered that I walk in my sleep when I woke up half way out the bedroom window. One morning I woke up smelling gas and having difficulty breathing. I went to see if the burners on the stove were on. Sure enough, the burners were on and the pilot life was out. When I went to bed the night before, I was having thoughts about turning on the gas. I figured that I must have done it in my sleep. I turned the burners off, opened the windows and went for a ride in my car, while apartment was airing out.
Camping, Eric's Cabin
It was getting dark and time to go up the ladder to the loft where we would sleep. Judy was ahead of me.
At the bottom of the ladder she remarked, "I don't think I can climb that."
"You can do it." we said, trying to encourage her.
She climbed three steps, looked down and screamed, "I'm scared of heights."
"Don't look down. Take another step." we suggested.
"AAAAH! I can't go down either."
She wouldn't let us help her. I had visions of her standing on that ladder for the rest of her life, becuase she couldn't go up and she couldn't go down. Eventually, she slept on the loft. I'm not sure how she did that.
I discovered that I walk in my sleep when I woke up half way out the bedroom window. One morning I woke up smelling gas and having difficulty breathing. I went to see if the burners on the stove were on. Sure enough, the burners were on and the pilot life was out. When I went to bed the night before, I was having thoughts about turning on the gas. I figured that I must have done it in my sleep. I turned the burners off, opened the windows and went for a ride in my car, while apartment was airing out.
Camping, Eric's Cabin
It was getting dark and time to go up the ladder to the loft where we would sleep. Judy was ahead of me.
At the bottom of the ladder she remarked, "I don't think I can climb that."
"You can do it." we said, trying to encourage her.
She climbed three steps, looked down and screamed, "I'm scared of heights."
"Don't look down. Take another step." we suggested.
"AAAAH! I can't go down either."
She wouldn't let us help her. I had visions of her standing on that ladder for the rest of her life, becuase she couldn't go up and she couldn't go down. Eventually, she slept on the loft. I'm not sure how she did that.
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