Swollen

My progressing mental illness
caused my whole being
to swell and become scarlet.
gradually growing
bloated and throbbing with pain
I poked at my belly
needing to cut it
to release the poison
and ease my swelling self.

Yvonne, Jan and Me

My first memory of my sisters and I happened when I was about 3 years old.  It was early in the morning.  I was up and wanted company.  Jan and Yvonne were lying in bed.  "It's morning.  Get up and play with me."I demanded.  "Go away!.  It's too early." they replied.  "Get up!" again I demanded.  They screamed, "No! Get out of here.  Go back to bed."  I started shaking the bed and hitting the covers.  "Leave us alone!" they yelled.  I looked around saw the ironing board and iron.  I picked up the iron and swung it over my head in the throwing position.  "Don't throw that.  You could kill somebody that way."  Not listening, I threw the iron.  Luckily, I missed.  My sisters accused me of aattempted murder.  I grew up remembering that and thinking I was some kind of monster.

Yvonne and Jan didn't want me to play with them very often.  They said I was too little.  They wouldn't take me to the movies because I ran up and down the aisle.  It seemed like Yvonne and Jan were always together. I felt left out.

When I was 4, I remember my sisters going off to school.  They grabbed their sack lunches and were on their way.  I started to scream, "I want to go with them." "You can't." Mom said, "They're going to school."  "I want to go to school."I replied.  "You're not old enough."  Mom told me.  She held me on her lap as I screamed and carried on."  Since I was big for my age and I want to go so much,  I started school the next fall.  I probably should have waited another year.

As I grew to be 5 and 6 years old.  I was always in rouble.  I got blamed for everything.  I would ask,"Why do people always blame me?"  They would answer, "Because you did it."  I knew they were right, but still didn't like it.

My family and I moved from our house in Susanville to a one bedroom apartment in Redding.  I don't know how we all fit.  My sisters got the mumps.  Mom told me to stay away from them.  That wasn't easy to do.  I decided I didn't care if I got the mumps.  I kissed my sisters goodbye and went off to school.

We didn't live in that apartment very long.  Mom was pregnant.  After we got our house on Oregon Gulh Rd., Stephen was born.

Yvonne and Jan were still together most of the time.  I used to get jealous of Jan for being so good.  When I tried to fight with her, she wouldn't even fight back.  It seemed that she couldn't do anything wrong.  I got angry and scribbled in her bible and attacked her while she was saying her prayers.

As we grew, Yvonne was beginning to mature and needed her privacy.  When Bill went into the army, Yvonne took his room.  Jan and I shared our room.  I don't know how she put up with me.  When I got sick, Mom made her clean it up.

When Yvonne and Jan were teenagers, we moved to Red Bluff.  During High School, Yvonne got engaged to Ves West. She didn't seem to take it serious.  They broke up.  After graduating from High School, she worked and earned enough money to go to BYU, in Provo, Utah.

Our whole family moved to Utah a couple of years later.  Jan graduated from High School in Salt Lake City, then joined Yvonne at BYU.  Yvonne got her BA at BYU the same year I graduated from High School, 1964.  The next year I went to BYU with Jan.

Looking back it is apparent the Yvonne, Jan and me had a very normal relationship. 

Secrets

Don't share your secrets.
Do not upset people.
Bury your secrets deep inside.
Try to forget.
But then,
Your buried secrets
fester,
like a malignant mass
that metastisizes
to distroy the whole person.

Soot

Wild fire soot darkens the sky.
A brown haze hovers over the city
It falls on every building, car and person
on every part of my body
even iside my mouth.
It smears grey filth upon my skin,
much like a drepressed mood
that smears darkness
over my entire body and soul.

The Seclusion Room

The horror
of the seclusion room,
the window
with it's criss cross screen
tht holds me securely in.
inside the white walls
with a high ceiling
that holds a camera.
Oh! The Camera!
Have to break the camera,
Somehow,  I must reach the camera
and distroy it.

Ingeniously,
someone left a chair in the room.
I scoot the chair
over to the windlow,
planning to balance on the window seal,
then reach over and smash the camera

I start my climb.
Suddenly,there are five people
holding me down
tieing me down.

Unable to move,
I know I must calm down.
I breath deep
and try to relax.

The seclusion room,
on the psych ward.

What has become of me?
 

The Gift of a Song

Trapped in a body
that was unable to move
my mother lay
in her hospital bed.

"I love you, Mom."
the only words I could
think to say.

I watched as my father
stroked her forehead.
Singing,
"Sure, I love the dear silver
that shines in her hair."
"Oh Godd bless you
and keep you, Mother Mckree."

A bright light of love
glowed around them.
A halo that framed
the two of them.
together for the last time
on this earth.

Eight years later,
in my own unconscious body,
I heard my sister singing,
so peacefully,
the overwhelming gift of love.

Never Married

I don't know why I never married.
It just didn't happen.
I told my neice that it was because
no one loved me.
She cried.
I realized it wasn't true.
I've had my romances.
Some people think I am unusual.
Some people speculate
about my preferances.
I'm just alone.
I haven't given up
I've heard of people
getting married for the first time
in their sixties.
Right now,
I am between boyfriends.