Your secrets are showing,
Like a slip at church,
That hangs below your skirt.
It's not the same thing.
I can live with embarrassment.
This is my life.
Because my life is important.
I choose what I show
No one can remember
What they never knew.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
As Winter Approaches
Kids are dreaming about sledding and throwing snowballs. Skiers anticipate the coming of the new season. Bring out the coats, the rock salt and the snow blowers. The most dreaded part of the snow is driving in it.
In 1967, I was 20 years old. It was a snowy evening, a blizzard. I had a night class at the University of Utah. As I was getting ready to go, my mom said, "You can't go out in that. It's a blizzard." Thinking that I was indestructible, I grabbed the car keys and went out.
The hill on 1st South leading to the University was steep and snowpacked. It was a white out. All that I could see in front of me was snowflakes flying. I stopped at the intersection then attempted to drive forward. My tires started to spin. The car made a complete circle and landed on the sidewalk.
A man who had watched me spin around came over to my car and told me that I wouldn't be able to get the car off the sidewalk until morning when some of the snow melted. He asked me if I would like to stay with his mother, an elderly lady who had an apartment nearby.
At the lady's apartment, I called my mother. I told her that the car was on the sidewalk and that I wouldn't be able to drive it until morning. Mom screamed, "Is the car alright?" She was furious. "I think the cars alright." I answered. "I'm alright." "Aren't you glad that I'm alright?" "I'm concerned about the car." she replied.
I spent the night with the nice lady. The next morning, after some of the snow had melted, I was able to drive the car off of the sidewalk. The car and I were alright.
In 1967, I was 20 years old. It was a snowy evening, a blizzard. I had a night class at the University of Utah. As I was getting ready to go, my mom said, "You can't go out in that. It's a blizzard." Thinking that I was indestructible, I grabbed the car keys and went out.
The hill on 1st South leading to the University was steep and snowpacked. It was a white out. All that I could see in front of me was snowflakes flying. I stopped at the intersection then attempted to drive forward. My tires started to spin. The car made a complete circle and landed on the sidewalk.
A man who had watched me spin around came over to my car and told me that I wouldn't be able to get the car off the sidewalk until morning when some of the snow melted. He asked me if I would like to stay with his mother, an elderly lady who had an apartment nearby.
At the lady's apartment, I called my mother. I told her that the car was on the sidewalk and that I wouldn't be able to drive it until morning. Mom screamed, "Is the car alright?" She was furious. "I think the cars alright." I answered. "I'm alright." "Aren't you glad that I'm alright?" "I'm concerned about the car." she replied.
I spent the night with the nice lady. The next morning, after some of the snow had melted, I was able to drive the car off of the sidewalk. The car and I were alright.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Dysfunctional
When the abnormal becomes normal,
the dysfunction makes our insides sore.
No dagger stings or penetrates deeper
than when it comes from a loved one who
analysis it, dissects it and wallows in it.
In the end, details don't matter.
Love,
at the core of our being
may be battered and bruised,
but it can survive.
the dysfunction makes our insides sore.
No dagger stings or penetrates deeper
than when it comes from a loved one who
analysis it, dissects it and wallows in it.
In the end, details don't matter.
Love,
at the core of our being
may be battered and bruised,
but it can survive.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Bad Luck With Pets
My brother,Steve loves all kinds of animals, but all of his pets seemed destined for tragedy. Steve had a male siamese cat, named Padywak. Being about the age for him to go looking for females, he wanted out of the house. We tried to keep him in, but he carried on so much that we finally let him out. Two or three days went by without a sign of Padywak. I think Steve was in the sixth grade. I was in high school. Our schools were close together and Dad always took us to school. While driving to school, we found Padywak. He was in the road, smashed by a car, dead. All three of us saw him, but no one said a word. We each didn't want to upset the other. We talked about it after school.
The most tragic and remebered story about Steve's pets, happened when Jan and I were going somewhere, probably shopping. Steve had a new puppy named Rascal. He was a cute little black puppy with curly hair. Steve was excited to have him. Jan and I failed to notice Rascal sleeping under the car next to the back tire. Jan started then engine and put the car in grear. As we rolled forward we heard a yelp. We knew that we had rolled over Rascal. Jan felt horrible. So did I. I especially felt bad for Jan and Steve. While I was holding Rascal on my lap, he died. I had never seen an animal die before. It was awful. Stephen cried for three days. I think Jan still feels bad.
Steve had some pet gerbils and a white rat. He was using the rat for a science project. He built a maze. His plan was to give the rat a drop of alcohol and find out how it would affect the mouse as it ran the maze. When he put the dead mouse in the maze, it went to sleep. After the science fair, Steve put the rat in the cage with the gerbils. The gerbils ate it. Steve was furious at the gerbils. He took them back to the pet store and bought a dog.
In his adoult life, living with Kathy, he has had a few cats. When they are sick, he tries everything to make them well. Sometimes there is just nothing that can be done. As sad as it is, he has to say goodbye to his loving companions. I think they know that they are loved.
The most tragic and remebered story about Steve's pets, happened when Jan and I were going somewhere, probably shopping. Steve had a new puppy named Rascal. He was a cute little black puppy with curly hair. Steve was excited to have him. Jan and I failed to notice Rascal sleeping under the car next to the back tire. Jan started then engine and put the car in grear. As we rolled forward we heard a yelp. We knew that we had rolled over Rascal. Jan felt horrible. So did I. I especially felt bad for Jan and Steve. While I was holding Rascal on my lap, he died. I had never seen an animal die before. It was awful. Stephen cried for three days. I think Jan still feels bad.
Steve had some pet gerbils and a white rat. He was using the rat for a science project. He built a maze. His plan was to give the rat a drop of alcohol and find out how it would affect the mouse as it ran the maze. When he put the dead mouse in the maze, it went to sleep. After the science fair, Steve put the rat in the cage with the gerbils. The gerbils ate it. Steve was furious at the gerbils. He took them back to the pet store and bought a dog.
In his adoult life, living with Kathy, he has had a few cats. When they are sick, he tries everything to make them well. Sometimes there is just nothing that can be done. As sad as it is, he has to say goodbye to his loving companions. I think they know that they are loved.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Swollen
My progressing mental illness
caused my whole being
to swell and become scarlet.
gradually growing
bloated and throbbing with pain
I poked at my belly
needing to cut it
to release the poison
and ease my swelling self.
caused my whole being
to swell and become scarlet.
gradually growing
bloated and throbbing with pain
I poked at my belly
needing to cut it
to release the poison
and ease my swelling self.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Yvonne, Jan and Me
My first memory of my sisters and I happened when I was about 3 years old. It was early in the morning. I was up and wanted company. Jan and Yvonne were lying in bed. "It's morning. Get up and play with me."I demanded. "Go away!. It's too early." they replied. "Get up!" again I demanded. They screamed, "No! Get out of here. Go back to bed." I started shaking the bed and hitting the covers. "Leave us alone!" they yelled. I looked around saw the ironing board and iron. I picked up the iron and swung it over my head in the throwing position. "Don't throw that. You could kill somebody that way." Not listening, I threw the iron. Luckily, I missed. My sisters accused me of aattempted murder. I grew up remembering that and thinking I was some kind of monster.
Yvonne and Jan didn't want me to play with them very often. They said I was too little. They wouldn't take me to the movies because I ran up and down the aisle. It seemed like Yvonne and Jan were always together. I felt left out.
When I was 4, I remember my sisters going off to school. They grabbed their sack lunches and were on their way. I started to scream, "I want to go with them." "You can't." Mom said, "They're going to school." "I want to go to school."I replied. "You're not old enough." Mom told me. She held me on her lap as I screamed and carried on." Since I was big for my age and I want to go so much, I started school the next fall. I probably should have waited another year.
As I grew to be 5 and 6 years old. I was always in rouble. I got blamed for everything. I would ask,"Why do people always blame me?" They would answer, "Because you did it." I knew they were right, but still didn't like it.
My family and I moved from our house in Susanville to a one bedroom apartment in Redding. I don't know how we all fit. My sisters got the mumps. Mom told me to stay away from them. That wasn't easy to do. I decided I didn't care if I got the mumps. I kissed my sisters goodbye and went off to school.
We didn't live in that apartment very long. Mom was pregnant. After we got our house on Oregon Gulh Rd., Stephen was born.
Yvonne and Jan were still together most of the time. I used to get jealous of Jan for being so good. When I tried to fight with her, she wouldn't even fight back. It seemed that she couldn't do anything wrong. I got angry and scribbled in her bible and attacked her while she was saying her prayers.
As we grew, Yvonne was beginning to mature and needed her privacy. When Bill went into the army, Yvonne took his room. Jan and I shared our room. I don't know how she put up with me. When I got sick, Mom made her clean it up.
When Yvonne and Jan were teenagers, we moved to Red Bluff. During High School, Yvonne got engaged to Ves West. She didn't seem to take it serious. They broke up. After graduating from High School, she worked and earned enough money to go to BYU, in Provo, Utah.
Our whole family moved to Utah a couple of years later. Jan graduated from High School in Salt Lake City, then joined Yvonne at BYU. Yvonne got her BA at BYU the same year I graduated from High School, 1964. The next year I went to BYU with Jan.
Looking back it is apparent the Yvonne, Jan and me had a very normal relationship.
Yvonne and Jan didn't want me to play with them very often. They said I was too little. They wouldn't take me to the movies because I ran up and down the aisle. It seemed like Yvonne and Jan were always together. I felt left out.
When I was 4, I remember my sisters going off to school. They grabbed their sack lunches and were on their way. I started to scream, "I want to go with them." "You can't." Mom said, "They're going to school." "I want to go to school."I replied. "You're not old enough." Mom told me. She held me on her lap as I screamed and carried on." Since I was big for my age and I want to go so much, I started school the next fall. I probably should have waited another year.
As I grew to be 5 and 6 years old. I was always in rouble. I got blamed for everything. I would ask,"Why do people always blame me?" They would answer, "Because you did it." I knew they were right, but still didn't like it.
My family and I moved from our house in Susanville to a one bedroom apartment in Redding. I don't know how we all fit. My sisters got the mumps. Mom told me to stay away from them. That wasn't easy to do. I decided I didn't care if I got the mumps. I kissed my sisters goodbye and went off to school.
We didn't live in that apartment very long. Mom was pregnant. After we got our house on Oregon Gulh Rd., Stephen was born.
Yvonne and Jan were still together most of the time. I used to get jealous of Jan for being so good. When I tried to fight with her, she wouldn't even fight back. It seemed that she couldn't do anything wrong. I got angry and scribbled in her bible and attacked her while she was saying her prayers.
As we grew, Yvonne was beginning to mature and needed her privacy. When Bill went into the army, Yvonne took his room. Jan and I shared our room. I don't know how she put up with me. When I got sick, Mom made her clean it up.
When Yvonne and Jan were teenagers, we moved to Red Bluff. During High School, Yvonne got engaged to Ves West. She didn't seem to take it serious. They broke up. After graduating from High School, she worked and earned enough money to go to BYU, in Provo, Utah.
Our whole family moved to Utah a couple of years later. Jan graduated from High School in Salt Lake City, then joined Yvonne at BYU. Yvonne got her BA at BYU the same year I graduated from High School, 1964. The next year I went to BYU with Jan.
Looking back it is apparent the Yvonne, Jan and me had a very normal relationship.
Secrets
Don't share your secrets.
Do not upset people.
Bury your secrets deep inside.
Try to forget.
But then,
Your buried secrets
fester,
like a malignant mass
that metastisizes
to distroy the whole person.
Do not upset people.
Bury your secrets deep inside.
Try to forget.
But then,
Your buried secrets
fester,
like a malignant mass
that metastisizes
to distroy the whole person.
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