Inside

Please don't make me
go out of my room.
I'm scared.
People are mean
they pick on each other
and gossip.
I could deal with it,
but it's easier to hide in my room.
inside myself.

My Best Friend

After your death,
The void you left
was filled with other people.
like beach water
fills the empty footprints
in the sand.
and yet
you will always be
my best friend

Babies

I was twelve years old,
Sitting on the grass, Indian style.
I was thinking about having babies.
I didn't understand
How a baby would grow
In a woman's belly.
I figured it was a blessing
From Heavenly Father
That happens when
Women grow up and
Get married.
I had names for those babies
That never happened.
Sometimes, things don't happen
As planned.

Sneackers The Cat

My old cat
I know you are hurting
That you can't see or hear well.
You are not able to run in fear
When you are startled.
My companion for 18 years
I don't know how long we have.
Purring as I stroke you silky black & white coat,
Reaching out with you white paw,
As if to say "Scratch my head and my belly."
Sensuous in your old age
You old devil
I love you.

The Blizzard

It was a blizzard.  I had a night class at the University of Utah.  As I was getting ready to go Mom said, ":You can't go out in that."  I was 20 years old and thought I was indistructable.  As Mom was urging me to stay home, I grabbed the car keys and went out.

As I drove up the hill towards the U, it was a white out.  I couldn't see anything but snow coming down.  The road was slushy and my tires began to spin.  The car slid onto the sidewalk.  I was stuck.  A man came along and told me that  would not be able to get off the sidewalk till morning.  He asked me if I wanted to stay with his mother who lived near by.  At the lady's apartment, I called my mother and told her that the car was on the sidewalk and I wouldn't be able to get it off until morning.  She was furious.  She yelled asking, "Is the car allright?" "The cars allright Mom." I answered.  "I'm OK too.  Arem't you glad I'm OK." " I'm worried about the car." she proclaimed.

I spent the night.  Next morning the car was fine and I drove it home..

Survivng and More

As a child, I was very shy.  My parents later told me that when I was three years old, I wouldn't talk to anyone but them.  In elementary school, at recess, I felt invisible and lonely.

During puberty, I started thinking about inflicting pain on myself.  I experimented a little, but didn't have much of a problem until years later.  When I was a teenager I knew there was something wrong, but I was afraid to tell anybody.

I started having suicidal thoughts and hearing voices when I was in my twenties.  I lived alone in California.  After acting on the thoughts a few times, I realized I needed help.  My first hospitalization was in 1974.  They immediately put me on psychiatric medicine.  The side effects were similar to having Parkinson's Disease.  I was miserable, but always took my medicine.

Following my hospital stay, I saw a psychiatrist and attended day treatment.  I was able to keep my job.
I had four hospitalizations in the next two years.  I was curious about my diagnosis, which my psychiatrist said was schizo affective disorder.  It means psychosis accompanied by a depressed or manic affect.

I continued to attempt suicide once in a while. I took a massive overdose and woke up in ICU.  My parents found out and came down from Utah to bring me home.

The talking in my head, plus paranoid thoughts made it difficult to hold down a job.

During the 1980's, because of self distructive episodes and suicide attemprs, I spent more time in hospitals and crises centers than I did at home.  I had three stays at the Utah State Hospital.  In the year 1984, I was only out of the hospital two months out of the whole year.  I had twelve ects (shock treatments) and was on large amounts of medicine.

In 1994, I was on a crisis stay when I was approved to take the new medicine chlozatil.  The difference was like night and day.  All that stuff in my head just went away.  I haven't even one crisis stay or hospitalization since.

I live in a mental health apartment.  I keep getting better and better.  I get encouragement from the staff and other residents.  I have become sociable and have made friends.  I can do things that I never knew I could do.  I am working as a peer mentor.  I lead a group.  When we lost our transportation, I felt like I had to do something.  I worked daily to find alternatives for people.

I have written a book and one of my stories has been published.  I am a survivor and more.

An Old Flame

"This is our home.  We have to get along."one lady said,  "I was here first, I want to sit here," another person said.  The senior citizens were arguing as they do sometimes did at the assisted living center.

Suzie was single, always had been.  She had boyfriends, but lost her heart to Jacob Freebie.  She just never cared about anyone else.  Here she was 78 years old with no children.  She had some neices and nephews who thought she was charming.  They had their own lives and didn't come around very often.  She had found some friends at the living center.  She enjoyed the programs and activities.

One Saturday, they were having a folk singer perform.  Suzie wasn't paying much attention until they announced the name of the man who would be singing.  They said "Jacob Freebie."  Her mouth dropped open.  Being embarrassed, she grabbed her walker and got out of there as fast as she could go.

Lunch was right after the performance.  Suzie was sitting at her table eating her salad.  Jacob went into the dining room and approached her saying, "I noticed you left when they said my name. Do I know you?"
Suzie replied,  "You are much to young to be the Jacob Freebie I know."  "I am Jacob Freebie jr." "My father was about your age." "Well, don't tell him where I am.  He probably doesn't remember me anyway."

Days and weeks and months went by.  Life was the same as ever at the living center.  At dinner, Suzie found a piece of candy on her plate.  She thought that was strange. It happened every day at dinner.  Apparently, one of the servers had been paid to put candy on her plate.  Then one evening a bouquet of flowers came with her name on it.  Suzie realized what was going on.  Jacob jr had told Jacob Sr.

Just thinking of him brought many emotions.  She wanted to know who he had married and if they were still together.  With the address on the card, she got ahold of Jacob Sr.  She asked him about his wife.  He said that she had passed away in her sixties.  " Could you come see me?"Suzie asked, "We have some unfinished business.

Suzie was napping when Jacob knocked on her door.  She was startled.  "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."  "You're looking pretty good."" What are you now? I your late 70's.""Yes." She replied."Are you in your 80's."We are both looking good." "I could loose some weight and you could grow some hair on top.

"Do you realize how my life changed because of you?"I thought you were perfect and everything was my fault.""When I think back on it, I don't know how you live with yourself." "You had no respect for me and didn't care that you were hurting me.""I've had a lot of boyfriends since you left."I couldn't commit myself, because I hadn't gotten over you."Jacob flirtingly said, "We're both still alive.  Maybe we could share our last years together.""You're such a jerk" Suzie resounded."Did you really think I would fall for that again.  "Allright, I'm sorry.  I really am."If you change your mind, you've got my number."

During the next little while, Suzie would get out the phone number and look at it.  She was so tempted to call him.  She wanted to know more about him.  She didn't want to get involved with him.  He was kind of distinguished looking.  Though she knew better, she was still attracted to him.  She made the call.

He was willing to meet and talk.  She reminded him that she didn't want to get involved.  She just wanted to know him.

He took her to a nice restaurant.  Tension filled the room.  She couldn't look at him without getting embarrassed.  She felt clumsy and didn't want to make eye contact.  He on the other hand was very calm, acting l like he had been in these situations before.  He took a sip of his water and said, "So, how have you been?"He too started to feel uncomfortable."OK." Suzie replied.  The was a cold restlass silence.  Breaking the silence, Jacob asked,  "What have you been doing for forty years?" "I need to ask you the same question."she replied."What do you do for a living?"  I am retired now.  I used to work for a home nursing service as a physical therapist." he answered. "Did you like your work?"  The questioning was getting very uncomfortable.  She didn't really want to know about the last forty years.  She jumped in and demanded,"Did you love your wife?"Surprised, he squirmed around and finally answered.  "I did at first.  I married her.  We had children together."  "Did you get along?"He replied, "We did at first.  Honestly, I stepped out on her."I tried to repent when my wife died."I still feel guilty."I feel guilty about hurting you also."

"I know what guilt feels like."Unlike you , my guilt wouldn't let me get close to anyone else."

"So, here we at the last of our mortal ives."Jacob announced. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Just kiss me goodbye." she answered.