Survivng and More

As a child, I was very shy.  My parents later told me that when I was three years old, I wouldn't talk to anyone but them.  In elementary school, at recess, I felt invisible and lonely.

During puberty, I started thinking about inflicting pain on myself.  I experimented a little, but didn't have much of a problem until years later.  When I was a teenager I knew there was something wrong, but I was afraid to tell anybody.

I started having suicidal thoughts and hearing voices when I was in my twenties.  I lived alone in California.  After acting on the thoughts a few times, I realized I needed help.  My first hospitalization was in 1974.  They immediately put me on psychiatric medicine.  The side effects were similar to having Parkinson's Disease.  I was miserable, but always took my medicine.

Following my hospital stay, I saw a psychiatrist and attended day treatment.  I was able to keep my job.
I had four hospitalizations in the next two years.  I was curious about my diagnosis, which my psychiatrist said was schizo affective disorder.  It means psychosis accompanied by a depressed or manic affect.

I continued to attempt suicide once in a while. I took a massive overdose and woke up in ICU.  My parents found out and came down from Utah to bring me home.

The talking in my head, plus paranoid thoughts made it difficult to hold down a job.

During the 1980's, because of self distructive episodes and suicide attemprs, I spent more time in hospitals and crises centers than I did at home.  I had three stays at the Utah State Hospital.  In the year 1984, I was only out of the hospital two months out of the whole year.  I had twelve ects (shock treatments) and was on large amounts of medicine.

In 1994, I was on a crisis stay when I was approved to take the new medicine chlozatil.  The difference was like night and day.  All that stuff in my head just went away.  I haven't even one crisis stay or hospitalization since.

I live in a mental health apartment.  I keep getting better and better.  I get encouragement from the staff and other residents.  I have become sociable and have made friends.  I can do things that I never knew I could do.  I am working as a peer mentor.  I lead a group.  When we lost our transportation, I felt like I had to do something.  I worked daily to find alternatives for people.

I have written a book and one of my stories has been published.  I am a survivor and more.

An Old Flame

"This is our home.  We have to get along."one lady said,  "I was here first, I want to sit here," another person said.  The senior citizens were arguing as they do sometimes did at the assisted living center.

Suzie was single, always had been.  She had boyfriends, but lost her heart to Jacob Freebie.  She just never cared about anyone else.  Here she was 78 years old with no children.  She had some neices and nephews who thought she was charming.  They had their own lives and didn't come around very often.  She had found some friends at the living center.  She enjoyed the programs and activities.

One Saturday, they were having a folk singer perform.  Suzie wasn't paying much attention until they announced the name of the man who would be singing.  They said "Jacob Freebie."  Her mouth dropped open.  Being embarrassed, she grabbed her walker and got out of there as fast as she could go.

Lunch was right after the performance.  Suzie was sitting at her table eating her salad.  Jacob went into the dining room and approached her saying, "I noticed you left when they said my name. Do I know you?"
Suzie replied,  "You are much to young to be the Jacob Freebie I know."  "I am Jacob Freebie jr." "My father was about your age." "Well, don't tell him where I am.  He probably doesn't remember me anyway."

Days and weeks and months went by.  Life was the same as ever at the living center.  At dinner, Suzie found a piece of candy on her plate.  She thought that was strange. It happened every day at dinner.  Apparently, one of the servers had been paid to put candy on her plate.  Then one evening a bouquet of flowers came with her name on it.  Suzie realized what was going on.  Jacob jr had told Jacob Sr.

Just thinking of him brought many emotions.  She wanted to know who he had married and if they were still together.  With the address on the card, she got ahold of Jacob Sr.  She asked him about his wife.  He said that she had passed away in her sixties.  " Could you come see me?"Suzie asked, "We have some unfinished business.

Suzie was napping when Jacob knocked on her door.  She was startled.  "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."  "You're looking pretty good."" What are you now? I your late 70's.""Yes." She replied."Are you in your 80's."We are both looking good." "I could loose some weight and you could grow some hair on top.

"Do you realize how my life changed because of you?"I thought you were perfect and everything was my fault.""When I think back on it, I don't know how you live with yourself." "You had no respect for me and didn't care that you were hurting me.""I've had a lot of boyfriends since you left."I couldn't commit myself, because I hadn't gotten over you."Jacob flirtingly said, "We're both still alive.  Maybe we could share our last years together.""You're such a jerk" Suzie resounded."Did you really think I would fall for that again.  "Allright, I'm sorry.  I really am."If you change your mind, you've got my number."

During the next little while, Suzie would get out the phone number and look at it.  She was so tempted to call him.  She wanted to know more about him.  She didn't want to get involved with him.  He was kind of distinguished looking.  Though she knew better, she was still attracted to him.  She made the call.

He was willing to meet and talk.  She reminded him that she didn't want to get involved.  She just wanted to know him.

He took her to a nice restaurant.  Tension filled the room.  She couldn't look at him without getting embarrassed.  She felt clumsy and didn't want to make eye contact.  He on the other hand was very calm, acting l like he had been in these situations before.  He took a sip of his water and said, "So, how have you been?"He too started to feel uncomfortable."OK." Suzie replied.  The was a cold restlass silence.  Breaking the silence, Jacob asked,  "What have you been doing for forty years?" "I need to ask you the same question."she replied."What do you do for a living?"  I am retired now.  I used to work for a home nursing service as a physical therapist." he answered. "Did you like your work?"  The questioning was getting very uncomfortable.  She didn't really want to know about the last forty years.  She jumped in and demanded,"Did you love your wife?"Surprised, he squirmed around and finally answered.  "I did at first.  I married her.  We had children together."  "Did you get along?"He replied, "We did at first.  Honestly, I stepped out on her."I tried to repent when my wife died."I still feel guilty."I feel guilty about hurting you also."

"I know what guilt feels like."Unlike you , my guilt wouldn't let me get close to anyone else."

"So, here we at the last of our mortal ives."Jacob announced. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Just kiss me goodbye." she answered. 

      

Training Wheels

The time has come to jump into the swimming pool.
to climb your first cliff
to fall down.
The time has come to quit
waiting for someone to pick you up.
Big brother says,
I'll give you wheels
a bicycle,
if you promise to take off the training wheels.

Hurtful Words

My words thrown at you ignite
in your hand.
burning like a hot potatoe
that turns into a ball of fire.
You threw them back at me.
My words that weren't meant to hurt
explode in my hand.
I wish could crumble like ashes
and be scattered with the wind.
If I had just thought before
throwing out those words
in the first place.

Connected in a Dream

I was diagnosed as having bladder cancer after having blood in my urine for several years.  At first I didn't believe it was cancer, but after my first biopsy, I accepted it.  I had chemotherapy for what seemed like a year.  I wasn't difficult.  I didn't get sick, because they put it in my bladder.  I just wasn't supposed to urinate for two hours after the treatment.  One day when I went in the nurse told me that it actually worked on somebody.  That didn't make me feel better.

De. Jensen told me that the chemo wasn't working, that I needed surgery to remove my bladder.  He said it was a very difficul surgery.  I needed to prepare for it.  The first thing I did was tell my family.  Yvonne from Virginia and Marlene from Idaho, came to be with me.

The day before my surgery they knocked on my door.  They wanted to go shopping.  I couldn't go so they went and bought me a whole bunch of cloths.

The next day, we arrived at the hospital early in the morning.  The anesthesiologist asked me about my previous illness.  I had quite a list. Yvonne and Marlene wanted to know what COPD meant.  I was embarrassed, because it is caused by smoking.  I told them it is a combination of emphysema and chronic bronchitis.  The doctor said that my surgery would last 9 hours.  Alarmed I asked, "Am I going to live?"
Dr. Jenson came in and poked around my bellly, saying that I may loose my belly button.  I thought I could live with that, if I was to live.

The surgery lasted 9 hours.  They didn't do it right, so I had to go back into surgery.

I think I was in ICU.  For the first two or three weeks, I don't think I was fully conscious.  I kept trying to get out of bed and leave, but I had no idea where I was going.  I remember the nurse moistening my lips with a tiny sponge.  I had seen them do that to my mother when she was dying.  I was lying there peacefully when the nurse pulled back my sheet and said, "Oh my!"

The next while was like a bad dream.  My friends were talking to me outside my window.  Some of them jumped off the roof.  My best friend jumped out of the Life Flight Helicopter.  When I told my Aunt Maxine that she had sent all my belongings to Arizona,  She said, "Do you find that amusing?"  The nurse asked me if I was oriented.  I thought, "I'f I'm not oriented, how will I know."

I wasn't sure whether or not I was in isolation, but the doctors that came in said they specialized in infectious disease.  I figured I must have contacted some kind of infectious disease.

To my surprise, when I tried to move my leg I discovered that I was in restraints.  I got scared.  I thought if there was a fire I wouldn't be able to get out.  I asked the attendant to take off my restraints and she did.  I don't know where I thought I was going, but I got out of bed.  My legs collapsed.  As I fell down I thought I was dying.

Then I heard my sister Jan singing to me.  It was so pretty and peaceful.  I just laid there listening.  I didn't worry about anything.

Jan was in Russia at that time. Her husband was doing volunteer work there for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  Jan had been fasting and praying for me.  She wanted to see me but thought it was impossible.  Then she thought, "Maybe I could call the airline and find out how much it would cost."  They told her that since she already had a ticket to Detroit, they could just add on Salt Lake City and there would be no charge.

Back in Utah, I woke up.  The nurse said, "Kathy, it's Saturday," The phone rang.  It was my sister Yvonne calling to tell me that Jan was on her way to see me.  A couple of days later, Jan walked in to my room.  It was like a miracle.

Easter Poem

Thank you, my family,
for teaching me to pray.
Thanks for baptising me,
so that I could receive
the gift of the Holy Ghost,
that guides me on my way.

I quit listening
to that still,small voice.
I was lost.

Things became dark and wicked.
clearly the wrong choice.
As I laid in my deep, dark muddy hole
I remembered Jesus.
I can't imagine how he took on
all of our sins,
but he did.

I didn't feel worthy.
I trembled in fear.
I whispered a prayer.
He reached out his hand
and pulled me near.

He held me near and comforted me.
It didn't seem fair
for him to suffer as he did and die
for us sinners.
His love was that strong.

Little People

Looking from above,
we look like llittle people
that scurry around our world
that we have built, grown and decorated.
millions of us
tripping over each other
trying to make things better.

We pass from this world
one at a time
and we weep with every passing.
We leave an empty space
that with time fills in.